1 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,813 MEGAN [ON RECORDING]: Wallace, whatever you saw, 2 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,687 there's an explanation. 3 00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:03,573 I'm not saying that it's a good explanation, 4 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,858 it's obviously a bad explanation, 5 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,243 but we can't just leave things like this. 6 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,995 You have to call me back, okay? 7 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,913 Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you. 8 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,119 [PHONE BEEPS] 9 00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:16,502 AUTOMATED VOICE: This message has been saved for 379 days. 10 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,786 [PHONE BEEPS] 11 00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:19,796 Message deleted. 12 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:27,847 [POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 13 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:35,142 [CHATTERING] 14 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,797 Yeah, that was supposed to be an anonymous fridge magnet poem. 15 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,445 And here I am quietly judging you. 16 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,580 Oh, I can handle it. I've humiliated myself 17 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,162 much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know. 18 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,410 - Cheers. - Cheers. 19 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,712 [NEEDLE SCRATCHES] 20 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,969 [POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 21 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,727 I'm sorry, I moved your poem. 22 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,938 I find this, like, weirdly addictive. 23 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,780 WALLACE: Yeah, like face tattoos. CHANTRY: Like peeing in the ocean. 24 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:25,983 ALLAN: Oh. CHANTRY: Aah! 25 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,365 - Here it is. Here it is. - Hi. 26 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,283 - Oh, did you guys meet? - Uh, kind of, yeah. 27 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:33,286 ALLAN: Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry. She's an animator. 28 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:36,164 - Chantry, this is Wallace. - You're Wallace? 29 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,621 This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year. 30 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,036 - Wow. WALLACE: Yeah. 31 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,795 Yeah, you do look pale. 32 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,456 I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino. 33 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,625 - It's both, actually. ALLAN: He's been hibernating 34 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:49,136 - like bear because of his broken heart. CHANTRY: Aw. 35 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,894 Stop telling people and stroking my face. 36 00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:52,172 [ALLAN CHUCKLES] 37 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,717 CHANTRY: Anyway, um... NICOLE: Do you guys know Becky? 38 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,887 Uh, she's small, has brown hair, always bragging about her eating disorder. 39 00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,305 I'm Becky. 40 00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:01,599 - It's been a while. WOMAN: Oh, hello. 41 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,108 It's so good to see you again. 42 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,643 That's just what she sounds like! 43 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,483 Can I give you a tour of the house? 44 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:07,692 [ALLAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 45 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,901 Come. 46 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,111 [BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH] 47 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,699 CHANTRY: To be fair, um, 48 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,031 I don't always like parties, either. 49 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:17,198 Awkward small talk is not my forte. 50 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:18,661 It's "fort," actually. 51 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:22,124 "Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully." And "fort" is French for "strength." 52 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,128 But I still say "forte" too. If you say "fort," 53 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,927 everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is correct. 54 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:30,006 So is that, like, your thing? Correcting people's pronunciation? 55 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,262 - Yeah, that's my thing. - How's that going for you? 56 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,344 I have a dead-end job, live in my sister's attic, 57 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:35,598 and I never go out. 58 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,517 Uh, correcting pronunciation is my old thing. 59 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,849 Actually, my new thing is over-sharing. 60 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:42,105 - Heh. - Here, try some of Allan's beer. 61 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,311 Thank you. 62 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,833 You actually knocked yourself out? 63 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,022 - I think so. - Wow. 64 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:48,027 And I'll tell you something really weird. 65 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:50,359 My face is, like, permanently damaged. 66 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:53,150 Like, if you look up here, you can see there's, like... 67 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:57,037 - I think there's, like, a dent. - Sort of like, uh, Quasimodo. 68 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,242 Yeah. 69 00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:05,379 So, um, I've got to go to the bathroom. 70 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,539 Do you need anything, like some dental floss, 71 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,209 or, you know, um, expired aspirin? 72 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,501 No, but I've left a matchbox in there, 73 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,548 and I was hoping women could leave pubic hair... 74 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,717 [LAUGHS] 75 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,848 Uh, I'll just go around with, like, a party tray. 76 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,224 No, they'll be in there. It'll be fine. 77 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,805 - I'm stuffing a pillow. - Okay. 78 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,738 [MOANING] 79 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,154 WALLACE: Oh. Hey. - Oh. Hi. 80 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,370 I was just, um, leaving without saying goodbye, like a dick. 81 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:47,083 Yeah. Yeah, that's totally what I am doing as well. 82 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,292 - Heh. - Oh. 83 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,670 - Where are you...? - Oh, um, 84 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,838 I'm just, like, a couple blocks west. 85 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,052 - Me too. - Oh. 86 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:01,515 - Uh, would you like to walk together? - Um, yeah. Sure. 87 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,599 Cool. 88 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,520 I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal 89 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,561 - and he faked Parkinson's for attention. - I read that too. Crazy. 90 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,400 Awful people. Really. 91 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,485 Um, this is actually me here. 92 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,777 Oh. Right. Um, well, hey, I had a really good time talking to you. 93 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,820 Yeah. Me too. Which is rare, actually. 94 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:22,239 I'm usually not that social, so... 95 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,407 Well, um, 96 00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,827 maybe you'd like to talk again sometime. 97 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,586 Yeah, definitely. We should hang out. 98 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,839 Yeah. It'd be lovely. 99 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,546 Okay, so, I'm gonna give you my number. 100 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,210 - Okay. I will... - Top secret. 101 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,424 Good. 102 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,714 I did not mean to stay out so late. 103 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,427 No, me neither. 104 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,639 My boyfriend will be worried about, um, what happened to me, 105 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,772 so, you know, call me. 106 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,353 Yes. Thank you very much. Um... 107 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,522 - Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you. 108 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,732 - Cool. - Good night. 109 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:53,941 Good night. 110 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,277 [SIGHS] 111 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:06,120 [SIGHS] 112 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,104 WALLACE: I had a good time talking to you. 113 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:32,813 CHANTRY: Yeah. Me too. 114 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,653 My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me. 115 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,084 [CHIRPING] 116 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:13,980 Hey, what's up, Felix? 117 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,189 [THUD THEN ELLIE GRUNTS] 118 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,275 - You all right? - Just dropped an earring. 119 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,859 Your dinner's in the oven. 120 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,150 - Good night. - What time will you be home? 121 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:23,114 If the date is good, midnight. 122 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,574 If the date is bad, 8. 123 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,365 Uh, no treats, okay? And no horror movies. 124 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,204 And don't let him go up on the roof. 125 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,167 And don't sell his organs on the black market. 126 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,079 Okay. I'm off. 127 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:37,249 WALLACE: Take care. Have fun. Good luck. 128 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,592 [MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] 129 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,258 MAN 1 [ON TV]: Unh. - Clear! 130 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,597 All right, mate, close your eyes. 131 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,886 MAN 2 [ON TV]: Clear. 132 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,055 Aah! 133 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,401 Okay, you can open them again. 134 00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,022 [GROWLING] 135 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,611 [DOOR OPENS] 136 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,361 [CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS ON TV] 137 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,701 [GROANS] 138 00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,709 [SIGHS] 139 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,621 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV] 140 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,504 [MAN SCREAMING ON TV] 141 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,633 [ELLIE SIGHS] 142 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,815 CHANTRY: Thank you. 143 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,029 NARRATOR: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure 144 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,539 as ordering Westley around. 145 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,325 BUTTERCUP: Farm boy? 146 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,209 Polish my horse's saddle. 147 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,042 I want to see my face shining in it by morning. 148 00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,753 WESTLEY: As you wish. 149 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:06,464 NARRATOR: "As you wish" was all he ever said to her. 150 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,018 Thank you. 151 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:23,901 [HORN HONKS] 152 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,533 MAN: Hey. Need a ride? CHANTRY: Oh, hey. 153 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,366 Hey. Um, no, I think we're okay. Thanks. Yeah. 154 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,664 Sorry, I didn't see you there. 155 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:36,167 No, I also didn't see you standing right next to me. 156 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,623 Hi, Wallace. 157 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,129 - Chantry. - Yes. 158 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,381 - I'm here alone. - Me too. 159 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,965 My boyfriend was supposed to come, but he had to work late, so... 160 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,754 I like seeing movies by myself, though. 161 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,015 I think it's, um, really cool you're here alone. 162 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,141 Oh, yeah. Super cool. 163 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,347 Yeah. 164 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,888 CHANTRY: Seriously? WALLACE: Yeah, seriously. 165 00:09:56,054 --> 00:10:00,230 I don't think you can have Princess Bride as one of your favorite movies 166 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:03,065 if you actually think love makes you a worse person. 167 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,650 Well, no, it's irrelevant. 168 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,486 The Princess Bride is a fairy tale. 169 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:10,027 In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, 170 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:14,369 but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior. 171 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:20,083 You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love. 172 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,626 I don't know if you are actually cynical, 173 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:29,842 or just a super crazy, romantic cheese ball. 174 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:34,054 You go see Princess Bride by yourself, on a week night, like a total loser. 175 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:38,313 Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you, and you still came all by yourself, 176 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,565 - so who's the real loser? - Are you hungry? 177 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,393 CHANTRY: I can't believe you ordered fried pickles. 178 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,155 Pickles are disgusting. Pickling is like embalming, basically. 179 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,782 Like, a pickle jar is like a tomb for cucumbers. 180 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:53,115 I violated a tremendous amount of corpses in medical school, 181 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,372 so I know that pickling is not the same as embalming. 182 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,615 - You're a doctor? - Uh, heh, no. 183 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,125 - Med school dropout. - All right. 184 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,996 [CRUNCHING] 185 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:07,043 The whole premise of deep-frying is it makes everything taste better. 186 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,506 - I don't like deep-fried food. - French fries? 187 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,467 - Eugh. - Onion rings? 188 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,676 - Fried chicken? - Nope. 189 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,886 - Fish and chips? - Gross. 190 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,176 Funnel cakes? Doughnuts? Deep-fried banana sandwiches? 191 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,935 No, but Elvis ate those. 192 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,471 And something called Fool's Gold. 193 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,157 - What is that? - I don't know exactly, 194 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,559 but I read on the Internet that Elvis died 195 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:27,150 with 40 pounds of undigested feces still in his intestine. 196 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,565 Thank you for telling me that in the middle of dinner. 197 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,529 - You're welcome. - Next time I take a bite, 198 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,035 - you can say "diarrhea." - Diarrhea. 199 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,834 Is this something you learn in med school? 200 00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:38,115 Yeah. They go through the... 201 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,454 - All the famous people. - All the famous people 202 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:43,712 and how much feces were left in them at the time of their death. 203 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,917 - Marie Antoinette? - Tons. 204 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:48,299 In fact, they had to guillotine her intestine as well as her head. 205 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,088 Yeah. They just, like, moved the body further along through the machine. 206 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,675 Who do you think weighs the feces? 207 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,215 I think, as the king, 208 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,725 it would've been, like, a job that people fought for. 209 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,852 - Mm-hm. - "Well, if I can't dress him, 210 00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:03,732 if I can't make him look pretty for the casket, can I at least touch his poo?" 211 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,650 - You think he kept a bit? - I'm sure he did. 212 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,401 In a matchbox or something, yeah. 213 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,188 Like, one of those little vials you could wear around your neck. 214 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,824 Like, yeah, he had, like, a little shit locket. 215 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,199 - Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Yeah, yes. 216 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:19,039 CHANTRY: So, like, I've been with Ben for five years, and, like, 217 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:22,576 I get that guys don't want to hang out with the girl with the boyfriend, 218 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,877 but it just sucks, you know. 219 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,788 It just makes you feel like the only thing 220 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,674 that's interesting about you is how you look with your clothes off. 221 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,836 I mean, like, it should be easier to make friends if you have a boyfriend, 222 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,675 because there's no confusion. 223 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,090 Uh, so is that it? 224 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,850 That's your big pitch to be my friend? 225 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,681 - Um... - That was terrible. 226 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,561 Yeah, I know, I know. 227 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,394 I'm just... I practiced in the mirror, and... 228 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,933 - Anyway... - Friends? 229 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,228 - Yeah, why not? Friends. - All right. 230 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,396 Is this how you make friends? Like a business deal? 231 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,735 Yeah, actually. It's just my style. 232 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,866 - It's quite unnerving, but it's good. - Heh-heh. 233 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,410 WALLACE: What's shaking, hot pants? 234 00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,867 You can't write, “What's shaking, hot pants." 235 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:04,500 Have you seen anyone wearing hot pants in the last five years? 236 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,787 That homeless man who shouts at people near the pool. 237 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,000 [COMPUTER DINGS] 238 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,755 WALLACE: So I found this website 239 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:16,172 where they explain what Fool's Gold is. 240 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,431 - You take - Heh. 241 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,593 A loaf of Italian white bread, 242 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,386 you coat it in butter 243 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,771 and bake it. 244 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,065 [TIMER DINGS] 245 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:31,478 Then you hollow out the inside 246 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:39,115 and coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter, 247 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:43,373 and an entire jar of jam. 248 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:48,120 Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon. 249 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:54,755 The website said it serves eight to ten people, or one Elvis. 250 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,427 You know, a jar of peanut butter has, like, 6,000 calories in it. 251 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,136 And bacon is not even a food. 252 00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,552 Technically, it's just pure fat. 253 00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,220 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 254 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:09,274 "Championbeefcake@hotmail.com, re: just pure fat. 255 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,902 I can't confirm how much feces were in Elvis's colon when he died, 256 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,406 but I did find out how he discovered Fool's Gold." 257 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,111 They get on the jet, private jet, 258 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,072 fly to Denver, get to Denver, 259 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,532 order Fool's Gold sandwiches to be delivered to the plane, 260 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,335 eat them, fly back to Graceland without ever getting off the plane. 261 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,710 - Wow. - And the best part is, 262 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:33,590 February 1, 1976? The day my parents got married. 263 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,635 - Oh, no! Wallace! WALLACE: Come on. 264 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,217 CHANTRY: Got it! WALLACE: Mail storm! 265 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,539 [SIGHS] 266 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,548 [MOUSE CLICKS] 267 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,801 ALLAN: it starts dirty, it ends dirty. 268 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,305 A relationship that starts with a breakup is doomed to end with a breakup. 269 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,589 - Who said that? - Me. 270 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,511 You, after Vicky Cardero gave me a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party 271 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,277 - and I wanted to ask her out. - I recall you ignored that advice. 272 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,148 - What was the result? - It ended dirty. 273 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,586 Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty. 274 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,694 This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight. I'm not trying to break them up. 275 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:40,323 I just... I'm happy just being friends with her. 276 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,568 Is this a good housewarming gift for Nicole? 277 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,111 Why are you buying her a gift? 278 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,871 She's moving into your house. 279 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,908 Girls are weird about this sort of stuff, and I'd rather overcompensate. 280 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,293 How much for the flying moose? 281 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,999 This dinner is a terrible idea. 282 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:57,587 Normally, I wouldn't care about you tumbling into some mess with a girl. 283 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,546 I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny 284 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,553 but mathematical possible chance of a threesome, but this is my cousin. 285 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,464 I accidentally saw her labia one time, 286 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,098 immediately, explosive diarrhea. 287 00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,760 Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation, 288 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,770 because you can't interact with a woman without sex screwing it up. 289 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,522 But I can, because I'm a grown-up. 290 00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,729 And it's so adorable that you really believe that. 291 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:18,111 More importantly, if this was your bedside lamp, 292 00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:21,273 do you think the warm glow would make you feel more sexually experimental? 293 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,359 - Absolutely. - What do you think? 294 00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,777 I've got the same one at home. 295 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,666 DALIA: It's the worst thing that's ever happened in all of history. 296 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,079 Was it worse than when that meteor hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs? 297 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,499 Yes. My breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor. 298 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,425 I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you. 299 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,757 - With a grad student! - No, I know. 300 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,094 Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore. 301 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,475 And I really liked him. I'm so sorry. 302 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:53,684 I liked him so much, I don't even want to sleep with his friends to get back at him. 303 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,598 I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it. 304 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:59,770 Do you think there might be, like, a less skanky option for rebounding? 305 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,438 No. This is something you have to do. 306 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,026 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 307 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:06,864 - I don't want to wreck your dinner party. - No, no, it's not a dinner party. 308 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,619 It's just, like, my friend, Wallace. 309 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:11,497 Stay. This Wallace guy could be a good rebound for you. 310 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,579 Okay. 311 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,495 Please, go easy on him. He's delicate. 312 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,881 - Hi! WALLACE: Hi. 313 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,292 - Hey. I brought booze. - Thank you! That's so nice. 314 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,578 WALLACE: You're welcome. - You can take your coat off. 315 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:25,802 I will. Thank you very much. 316 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,682 Well, this place looks just like I imagined. 317 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:29,090 - Really? - Well, I mean, 318 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:32,352 yeah, I pictured more potpourri and doilies and stuffed animals 319 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,808 - and things, knowing you, but, yeah... - I put that away. 320 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,689 I know that it weirds you out. 321 00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,225 Ben, Wallace is here. 322 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,315 WALLACE: Hi. - Hey, Wallace. How are you? 323 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,524 Hi. 324 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,735 Oh. Oh. Sorry. 325 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,241 - No worries. BEN: Let me dry off my hands. 326 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,848 - Thanks for coming by. - No. Nice to meet you. Thank you. 327 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,579 - Hey, everybody. - Hey. 328 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,331 Oh, um, Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia. 329 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,537 WALLACE: Nice to... - Nice to meet you. 330 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,997 WALLACE: on. Hello. - Hi. 331 00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,206 [DALIA SNIFFS] 332 00:17:58,369 --> 00:17:59,837 - You smell really good. - Really? 333 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,196 Yeah. Or maybe it just smells really bad in here, right? 334 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,130 No, he smells great. But it is getting kind of oniony in here. 335 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,012 - Can someone open the window? - Yeah, I'll get it. 336 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,138 CHANTRY: Right over there. 337 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,458 So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something. 338 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,344 - Uh, yeah? - Europe. 339 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,978 The...? The continent? 340 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,184 - See? BEN: Is it? 341 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,939 - Is it? CHANTRY: Yes, it is a cont... 342 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,725 BEN: Is it a continent? - It is. 343 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,689 He is from that continent, he should know. 344 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,354 Okay, look at a map, any map, 345 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,920 Europe's not a separate continent, it's clearly part of Asia. 346 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:31,991 Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't a continent, then why is it a continent? 347 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,906 Because Europeans were the ones who decided what the continents are, 348 00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:39,043 and they didn't want to get lumped in with all the, you know, Asians. 349 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:43,251 Ben is trying to change the world from the inside out. 350 00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:45,462 Okay? Eurasia. That's what they should call it. 351 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,424 - Europe plus Asia: Eurasia. WALLACE: Okay. 352 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,930 - Who wants more wine? CHANTRY: I do. Please. 353 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,340 - Um, in my glass. DALIA: Here. 354 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,055 And so, um, Ben, what is it exactly that you do at the UN? 355 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:58,187 I'm part of an international consortium of lawyers with a UN mandate 356 00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,269 - to negotiate copyright standards. WALLACE: Wow. 357 00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,831 More importantly, are you trying to sleep with my girlfriend? 358 00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,687 CHANTRY: Ben was working late and Allan invited me... 359 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:08,948 Uh, don't worry, we're just talking "guy," okay? 360 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,529 They think we're talking about international copyright law. 361 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:12,818 Okay. 362 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,989 Now, look, I have no problem with the concept of Chantry having guy friends, 363 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,532 but if you're trying to move in... 364 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,166 No, no, God, I wouldn't do that. 365 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,293 I just want to be friends with her. And with you. 366 00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:23,671 Friends is fine. Okay? I can do friends. 367 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,628 But you better not try and put your penis anywhere near her. 368 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,839 - Okay. - Every country has different laws, 369 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,175 so it's a logistical nightmare, but I think it's important work, you know? 370 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:35,467 - I think it's worth it. - That is impressive. Very impressive. 371 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:41,518 - Ah. Ah. Ah! Aah! - Oh, shit. 372 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,961 BEN: Aah! WALLACE: You all right? 373 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,268 BEN: Oh, my God, my eye! Aah! CHANTRY: What is it? 374 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,686 He's just rubbed his eye. 375 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,650 God! My eye! It's really burning. 376 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,690 - Did you cut the jalapeño? - Yeah, I did. 377 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,656 WALLACE: Yeah. - Oh, my... Ow! Ow! Ow! 378 00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,662 - Wallace, medical school! BEN: Shit, it hurts! 379 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,324 Okay, well, do you...? Saline solution. Do you use contacts? 380 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,618 - I do. It's in the bathroom. - Ben wears contacts. 381 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,424 WALLACE: Okay. Where? - Through that door! 382 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,329 - Yeah. BEN: Oh, God, that's painful! 383 00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:09,296 - Okay, what can I do, honey? BEN: God, that burns so badly! 384 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,211 It's on that rag and it's in the other eye now! 385 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,550 Aah! 386 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,973 CHANTRY: I'm sorry! Just... 387 00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,343 CHANTRY: Over there! 388 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,603 [BEN GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS] 389 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,936 CHANTRY: Ben? Aah! Ben! WALLACE: Oh, shit! 390 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:26,442 - Oh, my God! - Ben? 391 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,443 - Are you okay? BEN: Unh. 392 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:29,979 CHANTRY: Okay, don't move. Ben! 393 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:31,523 [BEN GASPING] 394 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:33,783 - Do something! - Call 911! 395 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,410 CHANTRY: Oh, no! Okay, stay right there! Don't move! 396 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:40,490 WALLACE: I'm sorry. You look fine. 397 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:44,377 BEN: Aah! It hurts me! it hurts me! 398 00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:45,787 [SIREN WAILING] 399 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,627 - Just be still. - What if I'm paralyzed? 400 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:49,881 You're not paralyzed. 401 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,400 I'm gonna give you something for the pain to help you relax. 402 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,170 Oh, my God. What if I relax too much? 403 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,384 What if I lose control of my bodily function? 404 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:57,799 What if I shit myself? 405 00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,093 You know, that actually happens more than you'd think. 406 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,387 It's the worst part of my job. It's super gross. 407 00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:03,679 Here we go. 408 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:06,190 BEN: Unh... - Okay. Okay. Okay. 409 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:08,897 PARAMEDIC: And there we are. - Just lie still. Shh. 410 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:10,686 [BEN GROANING] 411 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:12,859 BEN: Ooh. 412 00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:14,524 Should you really be eating? 413 00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:17,443 Stress makes me hungry. That's why I can never be a fighter pilot. 414 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,614 I would be, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't even be able to fit in the cockpit. 415 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,703 BEN [SINGING]: Holy night 416 00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:24,617 Shh. 417 00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,958 [ALL HUMMING] 418 00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:36,045 So, what's the prognosis, doc? 419 00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:37,839 He'll need the cast for a few more weeks, 420 00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:39,973 but the, uh, neck brace is a precaution. 421 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,305 And he'll probably be out in the morning. 422 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,749 If you're gonna spend the night, I can wait here with Ben. 423 00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:46,264 You guys get something to eat. 424 00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,021 CHANTRY: What are you getting? 425 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,570 Tuna salad. Yeah. 426 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,528 - I hate hospitals. - Mm, me too. 427 00:21:57,358 --> 00:22:00,202 I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child. 428 00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:02,113 Because of all your deformities? 429 00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:05,992 - Um, no, my parents met as interns. - Right. 430 00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,035 He does cardiology, she does orthopedics. 431 00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:12,127 He actually proposed to her on the roof of Charing Cross Hospital in London. 432 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,461 That's romantic. 433 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:15,626 Yeah, until the affairs. 434 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,466 She cheated on him, he cheated on her. 435 00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:18,675 It was just a mess. 436 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,636 How old were you when they got divorced? 437 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,176 Uh, 7, I think. 438 00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:26,687 Oh, uh, you don't know how to teleport, do you? 439 00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:27,893 - No. - Okay. 440 00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:31,810 Then I apologize for the awkward situation you're about to witness. 441 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:37,699 Hi. Um, sorry, Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, urn... 442 00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:39,404 Well, my nothing in particular. 443 00:22:39,817 --> 00:22:42,070 CHANTRY: Nice to meet you. 444 00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,784 Wallace, what are you doing here? Are you sick? 445 00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:49,123 No, um, Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window, but he's okay. 446 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,084 - Do you want me to look in on him? - No. That won't be necessary. 447 00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:55,128 I'm gonna go. 448 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:56,759 We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch. 449 00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,687 Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon, 450 00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,804 or the tuna, or anything with seafood. 451 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:03,682 The company that stocks the machine has failed four inspections, 452 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:05,641 but the manager's brother works for the mayor. 453 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:08,850 I'm sorry, I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired. 454 00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:12,013 I had so much coffee, and when I saw her, I thought she was your girlfriend, 455 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,734 and that made me want to cry. 456 00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,573 It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right? 457 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,322 - You are, and it is. - I just want us to be friends. 458 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,073 Not today, but someday. 459 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,032 Whatever he said, it wasn't black-and-white... 460 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,945 He hasn't said anything about you. 461 00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:27,164 He's never even mentioned you. 462 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,166 Um... 463 00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,082 Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you. 464 00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:39,673 - I hope your boyfriend feels better. CHANTRY: Thank you. 465 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:45,432 That was my ex-girlfriend. 466 00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:47,639 - Yeah. - Yeah. 467 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:05,577 Dude, you're really fishhooking me over this new manual. 468 00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:07,738 Is fishhooking good or bad? 469 00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:10,249 - You enjoy being fishhooked? - I've never been fishhooked. 470 00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:12,250 - Take a guess. - Probably not. 471 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,456 Definitely not. 472 00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:14,996 Nobody wants to be fishhooked. 473 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,132 All those girls in high school you fishhooked, they didn't like it. 474 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:22,545 They just wanted to have sex with me. Uh, you. Uh, men. Men. 475 00:24:22,711 --> 00:24:23,758 I'm off topic. 476 00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:26,265 - God, I hope so. - Uh, yeah. Manual. 477 00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:27,925 Uh, it needs a lot of work. 478 00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,686 So I'll give you, uh, another wee... Uh, month. 479 00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:33,393 Extra month. So make it, uh... 480 00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,057 Make it right. 481 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,022 [SIGHS] 482 00:24:39,103 --> 00:24:40,150 CHANTRY: Hang on a second. 483 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,657 Seriously, Josh, this is where we're doing it? 484 00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:47,286 With the wood? Because I think it might be cleaner someplace else. 485 00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:49,993 - You're blocking the shot, so... CHANTRY: Oh, sorry. 486 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,374 - Keep going, Josh. - Douche. 487 00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:55,787 It is total bullshit that Josh got the project manager job over you. 488 00:24:55,953 --> 00:24:58,714 Everyone knows it's your design, and now Josh is acting like it's his. 489 00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,546 - It's, like, sexism or something. - Our boss is a woman. 490 00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:04,508 Uh, I am so pissed that I gave Josh a ho-jo after the Christmas party. 491 00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:08,300 It is kind of your tradition to give one of our coworkers a handsy for Christmas. 492 00:25:08,465 --> 00:25:09,887 Shh! 493 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,553 Listen, guys, Holly offered me the promotion first. 494 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,472 - I turned it down. BOTH: What? 495 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:17,482 GRETCHEN: Why? - Because I like being an animator. 496 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:18,688 [GIRL GROANS] 497 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,775 I do, and the project manager has to deal with so much more, 498 00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:24,656 like, hassle and paperwork and meetings, 499 00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:27,819 and Josh is gonna end up stuck in Taiwan half the year. 500 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:30,659 Yeah, all that extra power and money and travel is gonna suck. 501 00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:32,789 Stop. She doesn't want the hassle, okay? 502 00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:36,953 She's got a great job, a great boyfriend, great friends like me, kind of you. 503 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,087 She's happy just the way things are, right? 504 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,624 Right. 505 00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:42,837 [SIGHS] 506 00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:46,796 Oh, good, there they are. 507 00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,010 Servings per pack, about 107. 508 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,220 - Oh, about. - About. 509 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:51,884 Oh, okay. Heh-heh-heh. 510 00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:54,645 Just in case you want to eat all of it in one sitting. 511 00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,897 That is not a good idea. 512 00:25:57,056 --> 00:25:59,104 Please don't... Please don't eat it all. 513 00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:00,893 BEN: I won't. 514 00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,794 I wanna know where the weird shit is. 515 00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:08,533 Like, where are the animal parts that you think are trash, 516 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,990 - but are actually food? - Chantry, I've been waiting 517 00:26:11,153 --> 00:26:13,406 for the right moment to, um, talk to you about this, 518 00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,542 but I think maybe it's better just to stop building it up and just say it. 519 00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:17,917 Okay. ls everything okay? 520 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,920 Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah. 521 00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:22,252 Um, okay so we've been together five years, 522 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:25,918 and it feels like our relationship is built to last. 523 00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:28,213 No matter what the future holds. 524 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,924 I've been asked to take charge of the European negotiation. 525 00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,009 It's a six-month contract. 526 00:26:34,176 --> 00:26:36,520 Um, but the thing is, the team is based in Ireland, 527 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:38,521 so I would have to live in Dublin, 528 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,684 although I'd have to travel around the whole, um, continent. 529 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:45,737 You mean the subcontinent, 530 00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:48,490 - but that's okay. - Right. 531 00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:50,951 Look, this is important to me, 532 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,363 but there is nothing more important than you. 533 00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:55,748 So if you feel like, um, the long-distance thing 534 00:26:55,906 --> 00:26:57,453 is too much, I'll turn it down. 535 00:26:57,616 --> 00:27:01,621 This is a huge opportunity for you, right? 536 00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:03,664 Lead negotiator? 537 00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:07,648 BEN: I love you. CHANTRY: I love you. 538 00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:09,545 - Unh. WALLACE: Go, Felix! 539 00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,432 Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it. I'm saying you'll get horribly sick. 540 00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:14,637 But it wouldn't kill you. 541 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,177 You can eat your own poop, 542 00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,141 but if you eat the poop that you poop out 543 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:21,182 after eating the first poop, it's so toxic, you'll die. 544 00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,567 So you can eat your poop once, but not twice. 545 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:26,228 - Unh! NICOLE: Hey, excuse me. Excuse me. 546 00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:28,944 Okay, where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament? 547 00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:31,746 [MIMICKING] Where'd you get beer at a children's karate tournament? 548 00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:35,780 [IN NORMAL VOICE] So, Wallace, we should get to know each other better. 549 00:27:35,946 --> 00:27:37,414 Talk about the issues of our time. 550 00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:41,043 Gay marriage, abortion, can men and women really be friends, 551 00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,078 or do you secretly want to bang Chantry? 552 00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,747 Thank you. She has a boyfriend. 553 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,382 - Yeah, who you threw out a window. - By accident. 554 00:27:47,541 --> 00:27:50,010 Dude, listen, Ben is moving to Dublin, 555 00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:53,719 and your whole "if it starts dirty, it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways. 556 00:27:53,881 --> 00:27:55,724 The night I met Allan, I was so into him, 557 00:27:55,883 --> 00:28:00,480 it wasn't till I woke up the next morning that I remembered I had a boyfriend. 558 00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:02,355 Love is dirty, baby. 559 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,936 Sometimes it's downright filthy. 560 00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,319 Oh, Christ. 561 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,919 Hey - 562 00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:34,304 I need to wear something to this company dinner 563 00:28:34,463 --> 00:28:37,057 with our production partners from Taiwan. 564 00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:38,308 What do you think? 565 00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:39,719 I think that's quite a dress. 566 00:28:39,885 --> 00:28:42,638 CHANTRY [WHISPERING]: Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me'? 567 00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:45,227 - No, nothing's too slutty for you. WOMAN: Can I help you? 568 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,859 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, actually, um, I would like to try on that dress. 569 00:28:48,018 --> 00:28:50,567 We only have the one left, and it's a size two. 570 00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,731 - Are you a two? - Yes. 571 00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:55,617 - I'm gonna get the measuring tape. - I'm a two. 572 00:29:00,322 --> 00:29:01,414 [GRUNTING] 573 00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:11,421 [FABRIC RIPPING] 574 00:29:22,511 --> 00:29:23,854 Aah! 575 00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:25,980 CHANTRY [WHISPERING]: Wallace? 576 00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:28,020 - Wallace! - Yes? 577 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:31,608 CHANTRY [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Um, are you alone? 578 00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,147 Like, in the universe? 579 00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:35,111 No, in the hallway! 580 00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:36,366 Uh, yes. 581 00:29:36,525 --> 00:29:38,493 Okay, um... 582 00:29:38,652 --> 00:29:41,747 - Do you need me to get someone? CHANTRY: No, no, don't get anyone. 583 00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:44,704 I need you to come in here. 584 00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:45,913 What? 585 00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:47,578 CHANTRY: I'm kind of stuck. 586 00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:51,123 So I need you to crawl under, but keep your eyes closed. 587 00:29:51,290 --> 00:29:53,167 - Really? Uh... - I am in a state of undress. 588 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,053 - You need to close your eyes. - Okay, okay. 589 00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,837 Promise to close your eyes and keep them closed? 590 00:29:57,004 --> 00:29:58,881 - Yes, I promise. - Hurry! 591 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,345 [SIGHS THEN GRUNTS] 592 00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:02,600 CHANTRY: What? - I... No... 593 00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,182 CHANTRY: Did you open your eyes? - No, I just banged my head 594 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,597 because my eyes are closed. 595 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,561 Okay, so here's what happened. 596 00:30:08,724 --> 00:30:11,398 I tried it on, and I think it got hooked on my bra or something, 597 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,608 - and now I can't get it off. - Right. 598 00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:15,050 You're not gonna laugh, are you? 599 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,737 - I can't even see what's going on. - Okay. 600 00:30:18,692 --> 00:30:20,035 Okay, um... 601 00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:23,697 - Are your eyes closed? - Yes. 602 00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:26,617 I think you need to move a bit. 603 00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:28,785 There, yeah. 604 00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:42,053 [CHANTRY SQUEALS] 605 00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,637 WALLACE: You're all right. CHANTRY: No. It's stuck. 606 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,724 WALLACE: Okay, okay. Um, turn around, turn to me. 607 00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:48,847 Yeah. 608 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,399 [WALLACE GRUNTING] 609 00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:10,502 - Thank you. - It's okay. 610 00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,042 Should I hold that? 611 00:31:25,509 --> 00:31:27,728 Here, hold this. 612 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:30,855 And keep your eyes closed. 613 00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,608 [ALLAN MOANING] 614 00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:39,208 Oh, I love you so much, I wanna just rip off your arms and legs 615 00:31:39,356 --> 00:31:41,074 and carry you around in my purse all day. 616 00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,531 I love you so much I want to grind up your muscles 617 00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:46,367 and organs and bones and spread you on toast. 618 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:50,660 Mm! I love you so much I want to just cut you open and scoop out your insides 619 00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:53,705 and wear your skin around town like an Allan suit. 620 00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:55,789 [BOTH MOANING] 621 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,587 - Okay. Bye, Wallace. - Bye, Nicole. 622 00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:04,010 [TIMER DINGS THEN NICOLE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] 623 00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:07,892 Can I talk to you about something? 624 00:32:08,051 --> 00:32:10,099 [NACHOS SIZZLING] 625 00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:14,316 I just had sex. I'm about to eat nachos! 626 00:32:14,474 --> 00:32:17,023 It's the greatest moment of my life! 627 00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:19,696 Unless you screw it up with whatever you're about to say. 628 00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:22,031 It's about your cousin. 629 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,363 She's my cousin. It's like incest. 630 00:32:24,526 --> 00:32:25,698 Well, she's not my cousin. 631 00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:28,541 But you're like my brother, so it's like my brother asking my advice 632 00:32:28,697 --> 00:32:30,290 on how to incestuously bang my cousin. 633 00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:32,122 No, I'm not. She... She has a boyfriend. 634 00:32:32,284 --> 00:32:36,755 Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past five years. 635 00:32:36,913 --> 00:32:38,313 Okay, let me break it down for you. 636 00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,801 This perfect nacho chip is Ben. 637 00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:45,214 He works at the United Nations as an expert in international copyright law. 638 00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,348 This moldy banana is you. 639 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:50,226 I have no idea what you do. Every time you tell me, I fall asleep. 640 00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:52,934 You know I write user manuals for dedicated purchasing software. 641 00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:54,143 [ALLAN SNORING] 642 00:32:54,306 --> 00:32:56,479 - Like copyright law is so exciting. - At least he's an expert in something. 643 00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,314 What are you an expert in? Nothing. 644 00:32:58,643 --> 00:33:02,523 "There are no people anywhere seeking my advice on any subject." 645 00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:04,942 Ben's been dating Chantry for five years. 646 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,155 They live together. 647 00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:07,695 They own furniture. 648 00:33:07,861 --> 00:33:09,955 They have a cat. You have nothing. 649 00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:11,456 You don't even have a plant. 650 00:33:11,615 --> 00:33:14,209 You've been single since that douche-bag Megan 651 00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:15,647 broke your fragile little heart. 652 00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:17,753 Okay, okay. I broke up with Megan, all right? 653 00:33:17,913 --> 00:33:19,665 She wanted to stay together and work it out. 654 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,754 I said no, so I dumped her. 655 00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:23,835 Of course you did. 656 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,128 Anyway, I get it. It's fine. 657 00:33:25,295 --> 00:33:27,175 She's in a relationship. Nothing's gonna happen. 658 00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,310 You totally killed my sex nacho high. 659 00:33:31,468 --> 00:33:32,845 BEN: So... 660 00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:34,729 Keys, 661 00:33:34,888 --> 00:33:37,141 wallet, 662 00:33:37,641 --> 00:33:38,688 Passport, phone. 663 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:42,104 Keys, wallet and... Yes, this. 664 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,490 It's an open ticket to Dublin. It's a five-hour flight. 665 00:33:45,649 --> 00:33:47,822 It's already paid for, so use it whenever you want, 666 00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,531 even if it's just for a weekend, 667 00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,241 even if it's just for a day, 668 00:33:51,404 --> 00:33:53,156 even if it's just for a kiss. 669 00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:54,745 - Okay? - Mm-hm. 670 00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:05,760 [HORN HONKS] 671 00:34:05,919 --> 00:34:08,159 No, baby, baby, I got to go. I got to go. The cab's here. 672 00:34:08,296 --> 00:34:11,140 I'm so sorry. I can't miss my flight. 673 00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:13,597 Okay, I'm so late. Okay? 674 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,637 Okay, baby? 675 00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,023 Goodbye. 676 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,941 - Love you. - Love you too. 677 00:34:24,104 --> 00:34:25,822 Bye. 678 00:34:53,383 --> 00:34:54,430 [PHONE BEEPS] 679 00:34:54,593 --> 00:34:56,937 BEN [ON RECORDING]: Hey, it's me. Sorry I missed your call. 680 00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,517 I'm in Berlin. 681 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,057 Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich. 682 00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:01,270 [PHONE BEEPS] 683 00:35:01,433 --> 00:35:03,811 Hey, I'm in Prague. Fm in Amsterdam. Fm in Florence. 684 00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:05,900 Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now. 685 00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:07,234 [PHONE BEEPS] 686 00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:10,196 I got your message. Cell reception in Athens is a mess. 687 00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:11,985 - Did you get my postcard? CHANTRY: Hey, it's me. 688 00:35:12,152 --> 00:35:16,157 Why don't you call me right before you go to bed, even if it's a weird time here. 689 00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:18,075 I just want to hear your voice. 690 00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:32,847 BEN [OVER PHONE]: So I finally got my cast off. 691 00:35:33,006 --> 00:35:35,350 My arm's all smelly and shriveled. 692 00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:38,512 If I felt you up, it'd be like you were cheating on me with my evil twin. 693 00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,181 Please, tell me more about how you want to molest me 694 00:35:41,348 --> 00:35:43,476 with your creepy, rancid freak arm. 695 00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:45,064 You'd love Dublin, though. 696 00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:47,106 They've got us all staying in the same building, 697 00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,697 so the whole office is basically living together, 698 00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:51,608 but I've already made some good friends. 699 00:35:51,775 --> 00:35:54,324 It's nice, but I just... 700 00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:55,988 You know, I miss you so much. 701 00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,781 Yeah, I know, I... 702 00:35:57,947 --> 00:35:59,995 I really miss you too. 703 00:36:00,283 --> 00:36:02,786 Look, I got to go, okay? 704 00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,295 I love you. 705 00:36:04,454 --> 00:36:05,546 Okay. 706 00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:07,173 BEN: See you. - Okay. 707 00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:09,732 BEN: All right, speak tonight. - All right, talk to you then. 708 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:12,299 BEN: Bye-bye. - Bye. 709 00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:13,930 - Sorry. - No worries. 710 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:16,717 - Black for you, milk for me. - Cheers. 711 00:36:18,343 --> 00:36:19,390 - Ah. - Yep. 712 00:36:19,761 --> 00:36:21,855 WALLACE: So is Ben settling in okay? 713 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,482 Yeah, he's great. He's doing great. 714 00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:27,110 He's having a great time. 715 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:29,987 Are you having a great time? 716 00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:33,867 Not really. I'm having kind of a crappy time, actually. 717 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,699 - Sorry. - Yep, this, right now, 718 00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:39,034 this is the high point of my social calendar. 719 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:40,665 Aw. See, that is sad. 720 00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:44,920 I know. I've been thinking about just starting drinking. 721 00:36:45,078 --> 00:36:46,125 - Yeah. - Yeah. 722 00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,334 - Heavily. - Heavily. 723 00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:50,588 Do you need someone to start drinking with you? 724 00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:53,173 - Really? - I'm very, very willing. 725 00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:55,304 You want to help me drown my sorrows? 726 00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,340 Of course. Absolutely. 727 00:36:57,507 --> 00:36:59,225 Done. 728 00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:07,438 WALLACE: Bottoms up! 729 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,068 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 730 00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,945 - Unh! - Oh, my God! 731 00:37:11,104 --> 00:37:12,151 - Horrible! - Horrible! 732 00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:13,656 - As always! - And cheap! 733 00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:16,864 All right, prospective person at this bar for you. 734 00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:19,495 I don't think anyone I'd like would come to a place like this. 735 00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:20,701 You're here, Wallace. 736 00:37:20,864 --> 00:37:22,504 - Yeah, because you dragged me here. - So? 737 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:25,456 Look at this girl. She's so pretty. 738 00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,207 Oh, uh, yeah. 739 00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,998 - Yeah? No, she's super pretty! - Yeah. Oh, okay. 740 00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,634 You want me to go tell her that you have six nipples? 741 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,312 - Yeah. No, you know what? - All right. 742 00:37:34,461 --> 00:37:37,681 No, you know what? I'll do it myself. It'll be easier coming from me. 743 00:37:37,839 --> 00:37:39,119 - Thank you. MAN: You're welcome. 744 00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:40,804 - I'm sorry, hi. Um... WOMAN: Hi. 745 00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:43,140 Oh, wow. You've got amazing teeth. 746 00:37:43,303 --> 00:37:45,021 Um, sorry, can I buy this drink for you? 747 00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:47,979 Um, yeah, that's so sweet. 748 00:37:48,141 --> 00:37:49,313 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 749 00:37:49,476 --> 00:37:51,729 Um, so... 750 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:54,522 Heh. Burn! 751 00:37:54,689 --> 00:37:57,192 CHANTRY: All right, weirdest place you've ever had sex. 752 00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,577 Um, bakery, night shift. 753 00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:01,909 I will never be comfortable eating a cupcake again. 754 00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:03,118 [WOMAN MOANING] 755 00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,659 - What about you? - Um... 756 00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:06,872 Ferris wheel. 757 00:38:07,035 --> 00:38:09,458 Stuck at the very top. We could see for miles around, 758 00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:11,214 but no one could see us. 759 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,919 - Aah! - Yes! Oh, yeah! 760 00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:16,764 Thank you for being so gracious in victory. 761 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,719 - Whoo! Uh-huh! - Hand clasp of champions. 762 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:20,973 Rub it in. 763 00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:23,727 [POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 764 00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:32,314 So how many serious relationships have you actually had? 765 00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,571 Four! Two in high school, 766 00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:37,949 and one in college before Ben, and then Ben. 767 00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:39,575 - You? - Six? 768 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,574 One in high school, one the summer after high school, 769 00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:44,614 three in college, and one since. 770 00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:46,749 No, sorry, two since. So seven. 771 00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:48,348 Are you usually the dumper or dumpee? 772 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:52,464 Um, statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's not like I've never been dumped. 773 00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:54,795 I've just been really good at knowing when to get out. 774 00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:57,837 - You? - No, I've never dumped anyone. 775 00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,879 I always try to make it work. 776 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:04,142 You know, I haven't hit the bar scene in, like, a very long time. 777 00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:07,270 I thought it was gonna be the worst, but that was surprisingly painless. 778 00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:09,522 I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight. 779 00:39:09,681 --> 00:39:11,775 Ah, well, you can't have it all. 780 00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,812 And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? 781 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,320 Um, the worst thing that's ever happened to me 782 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,484 is kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me. 783 00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,652 Megan, you met the other day, 784 00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:28,246 I burst in on her making out with our, frankly, gross anatomy professor, 785 00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:33,414 and I was like, "Wow, we actually are my parents. 786 00:39:34,122 --> 00:39:35,795 We are almost both doctors, 787 00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:38,756 and we already started cheating on each other." 788 00:39:38,918 --> 00:39:41,967 So I got out of there, and yeah. 789 00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:43,598 So, in a way, that became 790 00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:45,804 the best thing that ever happened to me. 791 00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:49,562 So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you? 792 00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:55,018 My mom died when I was in junior high. 793 00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:57,186 Um... 794 00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,651 She had breast cancer. 795 00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:06,447 You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. 796 00:40:07,447 --> 00:40:11,293 Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. 797 00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:16,047 Can I change my answer? 798 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:17,707 The worst thing that happened to me 799 00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:19,501 is saying my lame relationship drama 800 00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,214 is the worst thing that happened to me, 801 00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:23,471 when something really awful happened to you. 802 00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:25,098 It's okay. 803 00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:27,384 I like your answer. 804 00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,928 Plus, I get to be part of the worst part of your life now. 805 00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:31,516 That's really good. 806 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:33,769 And for future reference, when the answer is 807 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:36,560 your mom died of cancer, you should really go first. 808 00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:40,112 All right. Thanks for the etiquette lesson. 809 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,023 No worries. 810 00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:44,367 Good night, Wallace. 811 00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,702 Good night, Chantry. 812 00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,752 CHANTRY: You know, he has all these new experiences, 813 00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:00,792 he's meeting all these new people. 814 00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,399 And then, “What's going on with you?" 815 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,638 And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle of my same old life, 816 00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:07,845 except, whoops, my boyfriend's out of the country." 817 00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:09,054 TABBY: Ugh! 818 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,640 So Dolly was telling us about this Wallace guy...? 819 00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:13,600 We're friends. 820 00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:17,267 Well, no, I know, obviously you guys are friends, but is he cute? 821 00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:18,685 Should you be introducing him 822 00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:20,649 to your single, desperate friends like me? 823 00:41:20,812 --> 00:41:23,065 No, no, I already called dibs on him. 824 00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:24,278 Why? 825 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,319 He was supposed to be my rebound. That's why it didn't work with Noel. 826 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,237 I needed a buffer between Rob and Noel. 827 00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:30,701 A buffer made of sex. 828 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:33,241 GRETCHEN: You little prostitute. 829 00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:35,706 - Dalia, you barely know him. DALIA: Well, you know him. 830 00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:38,068 You hang out with him all the time, so he's not a loser. 831 00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,724 He hasn't made some creepy move on you, 832 00:41:39,789 --> 00:41:41,917 so we know he's not a creep. He's vetted. 833 00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:44,962 TABBY: Well, is he funny or smart? 834 00:41:45,128 --> 00:41:47,130 He's definitely smart. He's not funny. 835 00:41:47,296 --> 00:41:49,173 He's, like, kind of, like, bantery. 836 00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,559 He's kind of like a male version of Chantry, actually. 837 00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:53,516 - Oh, wait, so he's Mantry? TABBY: Oh, no. 838 00:41:53,678 --> 00:41:56,227 DALIA: Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry. - No. No, We're not... 839 00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,733 TABBY: Dalia wants to have rebound sex with her sister's man-twin. 840 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,814 ALLAN: Option one, make a move on her. 841 00:42:00,977 --> 00:42:02,650 Bold, direct. 842 00:42:02,812 --> 00:42:05,452 If you're lucky, you hook up, she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben. 843 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:07,779 If you're unlucky, she's furious, ends your friendship. 844 00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:09,159 - So be sleazy? - Yeah. 845 00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:10,998 WALLACE: You think that'll work? ALLAN: No. 846 00:42:11,112 --> 00:42:13,991 Even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat. 847 00:42:14,157 --> 00:42:16,125 She'll break up with him, but she won't go out with you because you're... 848 00:42:16,284 --> 00:42:17,331 - Sleazy. - Yeah. 849 00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:20,542 Option two, be the guy she goes to for advice. 850 00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,128 The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben. 851 00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:26,091 The upside is you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him. 852 00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:27,299 - So be conniving? - Yeah. 853 00:42:27,462 --> 00:42:28,759 - And that'll work? - Maybe. 854 00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:30,423 Maybe she'll see through it and think you're... 855 00:42:30,590 --> 00:42:31,637 - Conniving? - Yeah. 856 00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:34,769 Option three, patiently wait it out. 857 00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,100 Either the distance gets to them and they break up, 858 00:42:37,263 --> 00:42:40,358 or it doesn't, and they get married, live a happy life, 859 00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:45,272 with you always on the outside, looking in, quietly pining indefinitely. 860 00:42:45,438 --> 00:42:47,156 - So be pathetic? - Yeah. 861 00:42:47,315 --> 00:42:48,362 That sounds fun. 862 00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:50,697 It's got the advantage of not being unethical, 863 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:52,203 but the disadvantage of being... 864 00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:53,487 - Pathetic. - Yeah. 865 00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:57,375 So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic. 866 00:42:58,785 --> 00:43:02,415 Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice. 867 00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:03,789 [ALLAN SHUDDERS] 868 00:43:03,956 --> 00:43:05,583 WALLACE: Aw... 869 00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:08,382 - Oh, my God. - Do you like it? 870 00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,755 Um, well, it's not my engagement ring. 871 00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:13,471 - It's whether she'll like it. - I think she'll love it. 872 00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:15,306 WALLACE: Then you're made for each other. 873 00:43:15,468 --> 00:43:19,063 Why'd you get all snaky when we were talking about Wallace earlier? 874 00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:20,724 I... Ugh. 875 00:43:20,890 --> 00:43:22,187 Come on. 876 00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:24,106 Look, you just, like... 877 00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:27,488 You don't have the greatest track record with guys. That's all. 878 00:43:27,647 --> 00:43:29,649 You think I'm gonna break his heart and mess up your friendship? 879 00:43:29,816 --> 00:43:30,863 No. 880 00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:32,698 So you think I'm not good enough for him? 881 00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:35,363 Obviously not. That's obviously not what it is. 882 00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,373 Some of us aren't as lucky as you and Ben. 883 00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:40,081 Some of us want a guy that doesn't make us feel like crap. 884 00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:41,290 There is a fourth option. 885 00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:42,624 - Yeah? - Be honest. 886 00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:43,959 Tell her how you feel. 887 00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,216 It might ruin the friendship, but at least you 888 00:43:46,374 --> 00:43:48,593 Stood up like a man and expressed your feelings. 889 00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:51,254 Wait, I'm sorry. Since when does being a man 890 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,013 involve expressing your feelings? 891 00:43:53,172 --> 00:43:54,719 Did I miss a memo? Because if I recall, 892 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:57,101 being a man meant hiding your feelings forever. 893 00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:59,860 Like Bruce Willis. You never see Bruce Willis expressing feelings. 894 00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:02,293 The most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy 895 00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:04,231 - at the edge of a smirk. - Do you think Bruce 896 00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:06,941 would be happy just being friends? 897 00:44:07,103 --> 00:44:09,947 A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship. 898 00:44:10,106 --> 00:44:11,866 You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole? 899 00:44:12,024 --> 00:44:13,321 - Yes. Yep. - About everything. 900 00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:14,656 New Orleans, 2006? 901 00:44:14,819 --> 00:44:16,492 What was her name? Uh, Favia? 902 00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,032 Yeah, she did look like a woman, to be fair. 903 00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:22,042 Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship. 904 00:44:22,201 --> 00:44:25,751 You know, it's not worth the risk, not if it means losing her as a friend. 905 00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:27,793 - Well, so then it's option five. - What's that? 906 00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:29,672 You move on. 907 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,344 [CHATTERING] 908 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:46,067 Hello. 909 00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:47,385 CHANTRY: Oh, hi. WALLACE: Hey. 910 00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:50,021 Hello, welcome. 911 00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:51,656 Welcome to our engagement party. 912 00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:56,741 We are so happy to have everybody we care about together in one space. 913 00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:59,281 Here's the thing, we both really want to get married, but... 914 00:44:59,447 --> 00:45:02,451 But we hate weddings. Every wedding I've been to has completely sucked. 915 00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:06,163 Sorry, uh, Aunt Cathy, Uncle Drew and Olivia. 916 00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:09,879 And we don't like long engagements, so we are getting married 917 00:45:10,041 --> 00:45:11,543 here, tonight. 918 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:12,756 [CHATTERING] 919 00:45:12,919 --> 00:45:14,592 Zella is our registered civil officiant. 920 00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:17,382 NICOLE: Oh, and, uh, Mom, I got your wedding dress altered. 921 00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:18,595 I hope that's okay. 922 00:45:18,758 --> 00:45:20,431 Becky's gonna be Nicole's maid of honor. 923 00:45:20,593 --> 00:45:22,220 - Wallace... WALLACE: Here! 924 00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:24,480 ...is gonna be my best man. Thank you very much. 925 00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,733 Everyone stay away from my Uncle Herman. All right. 926 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:30,441 [APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] 927 00:45:33,356 --> 00:45:36,156 Okay, I... Like, I don't need you finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious. 928 00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:37,635 - You look pretty. WALLACE: Nicole? 929 00:45:37,777 --> 00:45:38,949 I've been sent to get an ETA. 930 00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:40,511 - Oh, is that Wallace? WALLACE: Yes. 931 00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:42,407 Just come in. 932 00:45:42,573 --> 00:45:43,745 Oh, wow, you look amazing. 933 00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:45,160 Yes. Becky, seriously, 934 00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,203 if I don't get some alcohol, I'm gonna panic. 935 00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:48,997 WALLACE: Hey, I'll go. - No, no, no, you stay. 936 00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:52,292 Becky's more nervous than I am, and frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go. 937 00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:54,460 You, stay, talk to me. 938 00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:58,218 [SIGHS] 939 00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:00,804 - So... - So? 940 00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:03,853 - So. - What? 941 00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:05,388 Why are you torturing yourself 942 00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:08,774 over a ten-second conversation with Chantry that would answer everything? 943 00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:09,980 It's your wedding day. 944 00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,440 - Can we talk about you? - Exactly. It's my wedding day. 945 00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,401 As best man, it's your job to keep me calm 946 00:46:14,563 --> 00:46:17,043 so that I don't crawl out that window and go and bang a sailor. 947 00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:19,614 - Where are you gonna find a sailor? - At the dock. 948 00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,492 God, what's the best-case scenario? 949 00:46:22,655 --> 00:46:26,080 "Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex forever until we die having sex"? 950 00:46:26,242 --> 00:46:27,482 That is the best-case scenario. 951 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,666 Okay, and what's the worst-case scenario? 952 00:46:29,829 --> 00:46:31,189 "Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar. 953 00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:34,584 This whole time, you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk." 954 00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:36,423 Anything involving the phrase “put your junk inside my trunk" 955 00:46:36,585 --> 00:46:38,303 actually would be the worst-case scenario. 956 00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:41,466 Look, the one thing I like about getting married 957 00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:44,135 is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about 958 00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:48,773 and state, for the record, that you believe in the best-case scenario. 959 00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,517 It terrifies me, 960 00:46:51,684 --> 00:46:53,402 but that's why the outfits are so nice. 961 00:46:53,561 --> 00:46:54,608 [DOOR OPENS] 962 00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:56,272 Okay. 963 00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,404 [MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 964 00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:00,910 - Thanks. - Cheers. 965 00:47:12,788 --> 00:47:14,165 [NICOLE WHOOPS] 966 00:47:14,332 --> 00:47:16,585 [CROWD CHEERING] 967 00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:23,599 ALLAN: I got her! She's mine! My wife. 968 00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:25,973 Yeah. Mommy! 969 00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:28,520 WALLACE: I can't believe no one stopped that. 970 00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:29,726 Nice. 971 00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:35,821 And I learned a lot of lessons that night about gambling addictions 972 00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:37,605 and identity theft 973 00:47:37,772 --> 00:47:40,446 and the Romanian legal system, 974 00:47:40,608 --> 00:47:45,580 but the most important lesson I learned was from Nicole, 975 00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:48,036 and it was about friendship. 976 00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:49,746 I love you, Nicole. 977 00:47:50,368 --> 00:47:51,494 Oh, so much fun. 978 00:47:51,660 --> 00:47:54,163 WOMAN 1: Yay! WOMAN 2: Yay. 979 00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:56,048 Look at you. You didn't even practice. 980 00:47:56,207 --> 00:47:57,459 DALIA: Whoo! Go, Wallace! 981 00:47:57,625 --> 00:48:00,003 CHANTRY: Go, Wallace! WALLACE: Uh, thank you, thank you. 982 00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:03,803 To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend... 983 00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:05,011 [MAN CHUCKLES] 984 00:48:05,174 --> 00:48:08,223 ...it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, 985 00:48:08,386 --> 00:48:09,763 let alone a lifetime. 986 00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:11,973 And then you meet Nicole, 987 00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:13,641 and that is the good news here. 988 00:48:13,808 --> 00:48:16,311 Um, if these two can find each other, 989 00:48:16,477 --> 00:48:19,731 then there truly is somebody for everyone. 990 00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:21,865 The bad news is that one day, they will procreate, 991 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,652 and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the Apocalypse. 992 00:48:24,944 --> 00:48:27,663 But tonight, we celebrate the good news. 993 00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:31,372 I remember the night Allan and Nicole met, 994 00:48:31,534 --> 00:48:34,708 and that instant connection. 995 00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:36,918 You know, if you're lucky, 996 00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:38,298 it happens once in a lifetime, 997 00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:42,966 and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings 998 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:44,802 and hear people like me talking about it, 999 00:48:44,964 --> 00:48:47,467 and assume that we are all hopeless romantics. 1000 00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:48,680 Um... 1001 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,809 It's very easy to be cynical about love, 1002 00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,474 but this, tonight, 1003 00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,142 this is hard. 1004 00:48:57,893 --> 00:48:59,611 So to Allan and Nicole, 1005 00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:01,693 for making the hard way look easy. 1006 00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:04,826 ALL: Cheers! WOMAN 3: To Allan and Nicole. 1007 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,575 WALLACE: All right, thanks, everyone. 1008 00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:09,784 Um... 1009 00:49:10,364 --> 00:49:11,786 Yep. That's it. 1010 00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,577 [POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 1011 00:49:19,707 --> 00:49:21,926 [LAUGHING] 1012 00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:28,640 Perfect timing. 1013 00:49:50,196 --> 00:49:51,618 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1014 00:50:02,041 --> 00:50:05,420 Are you sure? It's so near here for me. 1015 00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:08,339 Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about the door-to-door service. 1016 00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:11,100 - Heh. - Okay. 1017 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,349 - Let me out? CHANTRY: Sure. 1018 00:50:14,512 --> 00:50:16,514 WALLACE: Unh. Oh, gosh. German cars. 1019 00:50:19,141 --> 00:50:21,018 Good night. 1020 00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:23,479 Wallace, you clean up nice. 1021 00:50:23,646 --> 00:50:26,320 Yes, so do you. 1022 00:50:26,482 --> 00:50:28,155 - Okay. - Good night. 1023 00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:32,576 CHANTRY: Bye! 1024 00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:33,910 - Bye. - Bye. 1025 00:50:48,087 --> 00:50:50,590 Great. Thank you very much. 1026 00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:53,266 Listen, 1027 00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,099 I don't think it's a good idea for me to come inside with you. 1028 00:50:57,179 --> 00:50:59,557 - What? - Heh. Don't get all mad. 1029 00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,192 If you're gonna get mad, I guess we could make out, 1030 00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:04,900 - but we are not having sex. - Uh, no. 1031 00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:07,485 Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea. 1032 00:51:07,648 --> 00:51:09,696 Why? Because I won't have sex with you? Pfft. 1033 00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,906 That's really nice, Wallace. 1034 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,537 Uh, no, that's not what I meant. 1035 00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:15,076 [CHUCKLES] 1036 00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:16,661 I know, I'm just kidding. 1037 00:51:16,824 --> 00:51:19,748 Oh, right. What part are you kidding about? 1038 00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:22,629 - All of it. - I'm very confused by this conversation. 1039 00:51:22,997 --> 00:51:25,045 Fine, let's go inside. 1040 00:51:26,875 --> 00:51:28,752 [DALIA MOANING] 1041 00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:34,976 - Dude, my sister. Sweet score. - Um, no, this isn't what it looks like. 1042 00:51:35,551 --> 00:51:38,304 Well, okay. Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like. 1043 00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:42,850 She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent genetically identical to me, so... 1044 00:51:43,309 --> 00:51:47,314 Anyway, have fun making out with my sister. 1045 00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:50,528 Um, actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this, 1046 00:51:50,691 --> 00:51:52,659 you can be pretty much absolutely positive 1047 00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:56,539 I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever. 1048 00:51:57,072 --> 00:51:58,790 Bam! 1049 00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:01,539 Ever! 1050 00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:03,500 Um, I'm sorry. 1051 00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:08,589 Dalia, I... Look, I think... I think you're great, but, um, I can't do this. 1052 00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:11,800 Heh. Great? You think I'm great? I don't... 1053 00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:13,805 I don't throw myself at guys, like, ever. 1054 00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:16,934 I made an exception for you because you were cute, and you think I'm great? 1055 00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:18,639 - Great? - Um... 1056 00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:20,395 - Get the fuck out! - Sorry. 1057 00:52:20,554 --> 00:52:21,897 - Um... - God, get your... 1058 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:23,748 - Get out faster! - Okay, I'm going! 1059 00:52:23,891 --> 00:52:25,985 - Ow! - I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this! 1060 00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:29,272 - Goodbye! - Jesus! 1061 00:52:40,115 --> 00:52:41,708 [LINE RINGING] 1062 00:52:43,827 --> 00:52:47,172 BEN [OVER PHONE]: Hello? - [WHISPERING] Ben. Hi. 1063 00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:48,833 - Hi. Are you okay? - Hi. 1064 00:52:48,999 --> 00:52:50,592 It's the middle of the night there. 1065 00:52:50,751 --> 00:52:52,094 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm really good. 1066 00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:55,426 - I'm really just a little bit drunk. - Okay, but... 1067 00:52:55,589 --> 00:53:00,060 And I'm wearing such a fancy, fancy dress. 1068 00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:01,721 - I see. - Um, hang on a second. 1069 00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,059 - But... - Hang on a second. 1070 00:53:03,222 --> 00:53:04,895 Listen very closely, okay? 1071 00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:07,435 - Okay. - Really closely. 1072 00:53:07,601 --> 00:53:09,069 But... 1073 00:53:11,647 --> 00:53:13,399 - Do you hear that? - Mm-hm, I can, but... 1074 00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:17,945 That's the sound of me unzipping my very, very fancy dress 1075 00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:21,207 - Well, that's good news. - that I happen to be wearing 1076 00:53:21,365 --> 00:53:23,868 really cute panties under. 1077 00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,786 - You are? - And also, like, a bra 1078 00:53:25,953 --> 00:53:28,957 that totally, totally matches. 1079 00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:32,627 - Chantry... - Can you picture me in them? 1080 00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,546 [WHISPERING] Hey, can you picture me out of them? 1081 00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,340 I... I... I definitely can. 1082 00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:41,056 The thing is, I'm just in the, uh, middle of the Brazilian presentation now. 1083 00:53:41,218 --> 00:53:44,563 That's not to say I, um, don't fully support the concept. 1084 00:53:44,722 --> 00:53:46,770 It sounds very interesting. 1085 00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:51,654 And, um, I would love to continue discussing it at a later time. 1086 00:53:51,812 --> 00:53:54,156 Okay, I'll confirm. Bye. 1087 00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,237 [PHONE BEEPS] 1088 00:53:57,443 --> 00:53:59,821 Sir. Please, carry on. 1089 00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:01,659 - It's good? - Oh, yeah. 1090 00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:27,314 DALIA: You never asked me what happened with Wallace the other night. 1091 00:54:27,473 --> 00:54:30,067 CHANTRY: I'm respecting your privacy. 1092 00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:33,024 He's a big, stupid, fat jerk. 1093 00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:34,814 I hate him. 1094 00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:36,277 Okay. 1095 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,067 He propositioned me. 1096 00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:42,363 He said, like, dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do to me. 1097 00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,497 Me, your little sister. 1098 00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:45,782 That's so terrible. 1099 00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:48,122 I know, and so I told him, "I'm not that kind of girl," 1100 00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:49,753 and he just, like, flew into a rage, 1101 00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:53,542 and he attacked me and tried to break all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out. 1102 00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:55,709 So the cops had to come and pull him off me. 1103 00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:57,628 - The cops came? - Yeah. 1104 00:54:57,795 --> 00:55:00,674 And then he just shot them all in the face, and they all died. 1105 00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:03,279 And some of them had kids and they'll never know their father. 1106 00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,393 He didn't even care. He was just, like, laughing 1107 00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:08,021 and shooting them all, and he had a huge chubby. 1108 00:55:08,263 --> 00:55:10,663 And then he said he was gonna come to your house and kill you 1109 00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:12,276 while you were sleeping. 1110 00:55:12,434 --> 00:55:15,438 Yeah, that sounds exactly like Wallace. 1111 00:55:15,604 --> 00:55:17,606 Have you talked to him lately? 1112 00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:19,366 No. 1113 00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:22,282 So he didn't say anything about me 1114 00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:25,573 completely humiliating myself in front of him? 1115 00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:27,707 No. 1116 00:55:27,866 --> 00:55:29,493 He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk, 1117 00:55:29,660 --> 00:55:31,628 and you shouldn't be friends with him anymore. 1118 00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,915 Okay. 1119 00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:36,254 Look how pregnant I can make myself look. 1120 00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:37,884 [CHANTRY LAUGHS] 1121 00:55:38,919 --> 00:55:40,262 You want to feel my baby? 1122 00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,138 It's so hard. 1123 00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:44,095 - Oh, my God, it kicked! - Shut up. Heh-heh. 1124 00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:46,560 I'm gonna make you raise it. 1125 00:55:46,718 --> 00:55:49,096 [BOTH LAUGH] 1126 00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:52,353 HOLLY: I'm firing Josh. 1127 00:55:52,516 --> 00:55:54,564 The Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him. 1128 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:57,570 On the plus side, I hear he's banging enough Taiwanese girls 1129 00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:59,276 to qualify for the douche-bag Olympics. 1130 00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,691 So there's a silver lining. 1131 00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:02,610 That's, um, unfortunate. 1132 00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:05,871 I need someone full-time in Taiwan to clean up Josh's mess. 1133 00:56:06,029 --> 00:56:07,076 I want it to be you. 1134 00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:08,839 I mean, this whole thing is your concept. 1135 00:56:08,991 --> 00:56:11,031 If we had had you as project manager from the start, 1136 00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:13,279 - we'd have saved a lot of time. - Honestly, I just... 1137 00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:16,544 I don't even know if I would enjoy being the project manager, so... 1138 00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:18,584 You get an apartment, car, language lessons. 1139 00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:20,172 - Yeah. - Obviously a raise. 1140 00:56:20,335 --> 00:56:22,015 I need your answer by the end of the month. 1141 00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:25,470 And to be clear, this is the last time I offer you a promotion. 1142 00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:28,101 Okay. I got it. 1143 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:30,516 Holly, um... 1144 00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:33,849 I'm gonna think about it, I promise. 1145 00:56:39,354 --> 00:56:40,526 [SIGHS] 1146 00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:44,034 CHANTRY: So I was reading this thing about how, um, 1147 00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:48,038 when, uh, they were trying to name Cool Whip, 1148 00:56:48,196 --> 00:56:51,120 they came up with 10,000 ideas. 1149 00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:53,627 Like, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas. 1150 00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:55,465 And none of them were as good as Cool Whip? 1151 00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,589 No, Cool Whip was the best. That's what they said. 1152 00:56:57,748 --> 00:57:00,968 And they said, "Just try to, like, think of, like, ten of your own," 1153 00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:05,302 just to see, like, um, how hard it is. 1154 00:57:05,464 --> 00:57:06,886 - Cool Puff. - Puffy Whip. 1155 00:57:07,049 --> 00:57:08,426 - Creamy Dream. - Zit Topping. 1156 00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:09,969 - Angel Puff. - Angel Gas. 1157 00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,763 Bruce Springscream and the E-Foam Band. 1158 00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,058 - Puffin' Lovin'. - Dump That Puff on My Face. 1159 00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,725 Whip-Master Cool and the Puff Brigade. 1160 00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:18,412 NICOLE: Ha-ha-ha. - Stuff Me with Puff. 1161 00:57:18,477 --> 00:57:19,854 Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam. 1162 00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:21,380 NICOLE: Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A. 1163 00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:24,032 - Shove This Shit on Food. - Whip-Whippy-Whippy Pippitins. 1164 00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:26,410 [ALL LAUGH] 1165 00:57:26,568 --> 00:57:28,115 - So how many is that? - I don't know. 1166 00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:29,871 - Yeah, it's not that hard. - No. 1167 00:57:30,030 --> 00:57:31,657 - No. - Let's go swimming! 1168 00:57:31,823 --> 00:57:33,370 [ALLAN GRUNTS] 1169 00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,584 - I didn't bring my suit, did you? NICOLE: No. 1170 00:57:37,955 --> 00:57:40,208 ALLAN: We take our clothes off? NICOLE: Yeah. 1171 00:57:40,374 --> 00:57:41,421 [GRUNTS] 1172 00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:43,263 NICOLE: You gonna come get me? ALLAN: Yeah! 1173 00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:45,466 Are you gonna come get me? Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 1174 00:57:45,629 --> 00:57:47,723 ALLAN: Ow! You're hitting me! 1175 00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,134 NICOLE: Ha-ha-ha! ALLAN: It's very warm. 1176 00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,018 - Ooh! It's cold! It's cold! NICOLE: Ha-ha! 1177 00:57:52,177 --> 00:57:53,224 ALLAN: It's cold. 1178 00:57:53,387 --> 00:57:55,185 ALLAN [SINGING]: It's cold! 1179 00:57:56,056 --> 00:57:57,353 NICOLE: Allan! 1180 00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:02,275 Ow! Don't! 1181 00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:09,362 Do you want to go swimming? 1182 00:58:10,779 --> 00:58:12,406 Yeah. 1183 00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:22,128 Do you think it'll be cold? 1184 00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:23,883 Yep. 1185 00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:57,076 You've got a tattoo. 1186 00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:58,994 Yeah. 1187 00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:02,873 - Yeah, it's, um... - it... I know, it's... 1188 00:59:03,457 --> 00:59:05,505 It's your mom, right? 1189 00:59:08,879 --> 00:59:10,301 - Oh, God! - What? 1190 00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:12,387 Something just... Something just touched my foot. 1191 00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:14,017 - Okay. - No, it was really gross. 1192 00:59:14,176 --> 00:59:15,678 WALLACE: Okay. - It's not funny. 1193 00:59:15,844 --> 00:59:16,891 WALLACE: That was funny. 1194 00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,353 Oh... 1195 00:59:25,187 --> 00:59:28,782 - Oh, wow. - Oh, yeah. Wow. 1196 00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:30,066 [WALLACE CHUCKLES] 1197 00:59:30,233 --> 00:59:32,327 CHANTRY: Wallace? 1198 00:59:33,028 --> 00:59:34,496 WALLACE: Yes? 1199 00:59:35,113 --> 00:59:37,332 I'll look if you look. 1200 00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:41,294 Okay. 1201 01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:06,403 Where are our clothes? 1202 01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:10,699 WALLACE: Did we drift further down? - No, the fire's right there. 1203 01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:15,320 Yeah, they took our clothes. 1204 01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,084 CHANTRY: Oh, God. 1205 01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:37,847 The car is gone. 1206 01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:40,262 God, how'd it get so cold? it wasn't cold at all before. 1207 01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:42,180 It was, like, a warm night. 1208 01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:45,442 Okay, um, you keep the sleeping bag and I will figure something out. 1209 01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,069 No, I can't let you just, like, spend the night on the sand, 1210 01:00:48,228 --> 01:00:51,107 like, all cold and wet and naked like a walrus. 1211 01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:52,991 [LAUGHS] 1212 01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:54,697 Do you think that's funny? 1213 01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:57,245 Do you think this is, like, some hilarious prank 1214 01:00:57,404 --> 01:01:00,499 played on us by our wacky pals? Because I don't. 1215 01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,455 I thought you were trying to lighten the mood 1216 01:01:02,617 --> 01:01:04,915 with a mildly amusing joke involving a walrus. 1217 01:01:05,078 --> 01:01:08,048 I'm sorry if I misunderstood the seriousness of your walrus reference. 1218 01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,423 Don't be an asshole. 1219 01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:12,177 - I'm not being an arsehole. - You are. You are being an asshole. 1220 01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:15,805 You're not taking this seriously, and you're treating it like a joke, and it's not. 1221 01:01:15,964 --> 01:01:19,468 There is a line, a line that should not be crossed, and they crossed it. 1222 01:01:19,634 --> 01:01:22,513 And you know what? Treating it like a joke is being an asshole. 1223 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:25,023 I'm not treating this like a joke, and I am not being an arsehole. 1224 01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,150 Allan is being an arsehole, Nicole is being an arsehole, 1225 01:01:27,309 --> 01:01:28,909 and right now, you are being an arsehole. 1226 01:01:29,019 --> 01:01:31,021 Me? I'm standing here with a branch. 1227 01:01:31,188 --> 01:01:34,863 A branch that cuts down zero percent of the wind-chill factor on my dick. 1228 01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:36,785 I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag. 1229 01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:39,071 How does that make me an arsehole? 1230 01:01:39,821 --> 01:01:42,040 - Fine. - Fine? What does "fine" mean? 1231 01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:44,998 Fine! It means we'll share. 1232 01:01:59,966 --> 01:02:01,639 WALLACE: Ah. 1233 01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:09,189 - Chantry? - What? 1234 01:02:09,351 --> 01:02:11,649 They brought our clothes back. 1235 01:02:27,494 --> 01:02:29,174 ALLAN: I'll never doubt you again. - Mm-hm. 1236 01:02:35,669 --> 01:02:38,172 NICOLE: Hey, you guys have fun last night? 1237 01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:44,306 ALLAN: Hey. 1238 01:02:46,721 --> 01:02:49,270 - Sleep well? WALLACE: You're an arsehole. 1239 01:04:00,045 --> 01:04:02,764 [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 1240 01:04:06,801 --> 01:04:09,850 [BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 1241 01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:16,190 CHANTRY: Ben. 1242 01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:18,563 Chantry? 1243 01:04:18,730 --> 01:04:20,170 [JULIANNE SCREAMS THEN CHANTRY GASPS] 1244 01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:23,491 BEN: Julianne is part of the Argentinean team. 1245 01:04:23,651 --> 01:04:25,574 She lives in the apartment next door. 1246 01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:28,741 A bunch of us went for a drink after work, and I was just helping her home. 1247 01:04:28,907 --> 01:04:30,387 Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything. 1248 01:04:30,533 --> 01:04:32,080 JULIANNE: You need not worry about his fidelity. 1249 01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:35,087 I'm not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl. 1250 01:04:35,246 --> 01:04:36,793 Why didn't you tell me you were coming? 1251 01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,755 Because I wanted to surprise you. 1252 01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:40,965 Surprise. 1253 01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:43,926 Okay, I need to go to my apartment now, 1254 01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:46,933 and stuff old socks in my ears 1255 01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:49,220 so I don't hear your lovemaking through the wall. 1256 01:04:49,386 --> 01:04:51,263 And I'm keeping this meat. 1257 01:04:51,805 --> 01:04:54,058 BEN: Good night. Sorry, you... You startled me. 1258 01:04:54,224 --> 01:04:56,443 This isn't how I planned to welcome you to Dublin. 1259 01:04:56,935 --> 01:04:58,312 Are you still startled? 1260 01:04:58,478 --> 01:05:00,196 Should I get you some warm milk? 1261 01:05:02,232 --> 01:05:03,859 Welcome to Dublin. 1262 01:05:38,017 --> 01:05:39,860 [CHATTERING] 1263 01:05:52,282 --> 01:05:55,081 So, um, I was reading this thing about, uh, 1264 01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,803 how when they were trying to come up with the name for Cool Whip, 1265 01:05:57,954 --> 01:06:00,154 - they brainstormed 10,000 ideas... - What is Cool Whip? 1266 01:06:00,290 --> 01:06:02,543 It's a kind of processed cream. Comes in a spray can. 1267 01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:03,756 - Ah! - Or in a tub. 1268 01:06:03,918 --> 01:06:05,010 I've had the Cool Whip. 1269 01:06:05,170 --> 01:06:07,639 I prefer the fresh whipped cream. 1270 01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:10,558 Well, when they were trying to come up with the name for that product, 1271 01:06:10,717 --> 01:06:13,470 uh, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas, 1272 01:06:13,636 --> 01:06:17,641 and they said try to come up with ten of your own just to see how hard it is. 1273 01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,482 Like Puffy Whip, or Whip... Wiffy Puff. 1274 01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:23,692 Puffy Air. Whippy Air. 1275 01:06:23,855 --> 01:06:26,153 Um, Cow Mixture? 1276 01:06:26,316 --> 01:06:28,444 - Sweet Dreams? - Sweet Dreams. 1277 01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:30,532 Cotton Vul-candi-cow? 1278 01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:31,947 It could be one. 1279 01:06:32,113 --> 01:06:33,706 Cloudy Cow? 1280 01:06:34,949 --> 01:06:38,328 So you must be really proud of our Benji. 1281 01:06:38,495 --> 01:06:40,338 - Yeah. - He has the Brazilians on the run. 1282 01:06:40,497 --> 01:06:43,626 Heh-heh-heh. You know he has the whole negotiation in his hands? 1283 01:06:43,791 --> 01:06:46,089 We're so happy that he's able to stay another six months. 1284 01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:48,596 And his Portuguese is really coming on. 1285 01:06:48,755 --> 01:06:51,725 He's going to be so good by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro... 1286 01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:53,385 BEN: I haven't accepted the offer yet. 1287 01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:56,145 Obviously, I was planning on talking to you about it first, 1288 01:06:56,304 --> 01:06:58,056 but I mean, I love it here. 1289 01:06:58,223 --> 01:07:02,273 Not just the work. The people, the culture, the music. 1290 01:07:02,435 --> 01:07:04,108 You never asked me to move here with you. 1291 01:07:04,270 --> 01:07:06,193 When you got the job, you never asked me to come. 1292 01:07:06,356 --> 01:07:07,983 I didn't want to ask you to quit a job. 1293 01:07:08,149 --> 01:07:10,151 - And I mean, you never offered. - You never asked. 1294 01:07:10,318 --> 01:07:12,992 Well, okay, I'm asking you now. 1295 01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:15,373 I mean, there must be animation companies here. 1296 01:07:15,532 --> 01:07:17,412 I couldn't do that to Holly. She's been generous 1297 01:07:17,534 --> 01:07:19,161 giving me this week to make my decision. 1298 01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:22,627 Okay, so take the job. it doesn't have to be a bad thing. 1299 01:07:22,789 --> 01:07:24,132 You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here. 1300 01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:25,382 We can meet in the middle. 1301 01:07:25,542 --> 01:07:26,589 Like in Toronto? 1302 01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:30,130 No, like Tel Aviv, Istanbul, Mumbai... 1303 01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:33,140 It'll be a story we can tell our kids. 1304 01:07:33,383 --> 01:07:35,886 - It's romantic. - Sounds lonely. 1305 01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:39,898 Look, I'm just trying to make this work, okay? 1306 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:41,937 Don't you wanna make this work? 1307 01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,910 Did you guys want to borrow some of my balls? 1308 01:07:53,194 --> 01:07:56,949 I think someone sharted and it might be Mrs. Cole. 1309 01:07:57,115 --> 01:07:59,584 Everyone, check. Check. Sham check. 1310 01:07:59,742 --> 01:08:01,710 You can look it up on Urban Dictionary. 1311 01:08:01,869 --> 01:08:05,373 Fail. You couldn't find that stone if it was in your kidney. 1312 01:08:05,540 --> 01:08:07,588 I can see your back acne through your blouse. 1313 01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:11,220 WALLACE: Look at you just drunkenly spewing out joy like a shit Santa. 1314 01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:14,303 - Yep. WALLACE: That's you now, yeah? 1315 01:08:16,050 --> 01:08:18,348 Nicole's spending the night at Becky's. 1316 01:08:18,511 --> 01:08:20,605 We had a fight. 1317 01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:23,896 First fight as a married couple. 1318 01:08:24,058 --> 01:08:26,026 Ta-da! You want a beer? 1319 01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:27,732 Sure. 1320 01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:38,202 So, um... 1321 01:08:38,865 --> 01:08:41,459 I'm sorry, okay? 1322 01:08:41,618 --> 01:08:44,371 I let Nicole talk me into it, even though I knew it was a bad idea. 1323 01:08:44,537 --> 01:08:45,584 I'm not like you. 1324 01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:48,546 I can't hook up with somebody if they're already with someone else. 1325 01:08:48,708 --> 01:08:51,211 It's wrong. It was wrong when my parents did it to each other, 1326 01:08:51,377 --> 01:08:52,879 it was wrong when Megan did it to me. 1327 01:08:53,046 --> 01:08:55,014 It was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex. 1328 01:08:55,173 --> 01:08:57,847 You don't think the fact that we got married kind of justifies it? 1329 01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,809 Not unless you want to be married to someone who doesn't mind cheating. 1330 01:09:00,970 --> 01:09:03,473 Hey, that's my wife, okay? 1331 01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,985 Nicole talks a good game, but she's been hurt like everybody else. 1332 01:09:07,143 --> 01:09:08,895 Her ex was a dick. 1333 01:09:09,062 --> 01:09:10,439 He treated her real bad. 1334 01:09:10,605 --> 01:09:11,652 It's complicated. 1335 01:09:11,814 --> 01:09:14,533 All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. 1336 01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:17,036 Because if it's too simple, you've got no reason to try. 1337 01:09:17,195 --> 01:09:19,948 And if you got no reason to try, you don't. 1338 01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:24,164 Oh. Oh... Wait, I just described you. 1339 01:09:25,328 --> 01:09:27,171 You know what? Maybe you're right. 1340 01:09:27,330 --> 01:09:29,958 But either way, you're an arsehole, Allan. 1341 01:09:36,589 --> 01:09:38,432 Hit a three-pointer! 1342 01:09:43,930 --> 01:09:45,432 [SIGHS] 1343 01:09:48,226 --> 01:09:50,024 [KNOCKING] 1344 01:09:53,648 --> 01:09:55,946 - Hi. - Hi. 1345 01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:57,782 Come in or whatever. 1346 01:09:58,111 --> 01:09:59,988 Uh... 1347 01:10:00,988 --> 01:10:02,706 I just jogged over here to feed the cat. 1348 01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,945 If I don't shower right away my pores get all clogged 1349 01:10:05,076 --> 01:10:07,420 and I get this, like, zit nest on my forehead. 1350 01:10:07,578 --> 01:10:09,546 So, uh, why are you feeding the cat? 1351 01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,128 So it doesn't starve to death. 1352 01:10:11,290 --> 01:10:13,839 - But why can't Chantry feed it? - Because she flew to Dublin. 1353 01:10:14,794 --> 01:10:16,717 She flew to Dublin? 1354 01:10:16,879 --> 01:10:18,802 Yes, of course she did. 1355 01:10:20,091 --> 01:10:21,217 You like her. 1356 01:10:21,592 --> 01:10:22,639 [DALIA SCOFFS] 1357 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:24,270 You like Chantry. 1358 01:10:24,429 --> 01:10:26,589 Get in the shower. I can see your blackheads from here. 1359 01:10:26,639 --> 01:10:29,392 No, don't get all snooty with me just because you're so busted. 1360 01:10:29,559 --> 01:10:31,106 Look, I'm not in love with your sister. 1361 01:10:31,269 --> 01:10:34,022 You are a nice-ish guy, 1362 01:10:34,188 --> 01:10:35,235 and you're amusing, 1363 01:10:35,398 --> 01:10:37,071 but Chantry loves Ben. 1364 01:10:37,233 --> 01:10:39,782 They're gonna get married and live happily ever after. 1365 01:10:40,361 --> 01:10:43,365 You're just gonna be this guy that she was friends with for a couple months. 1366 01:10:43,531 --> 01:10:46,751 "What was his name...? Walter? I don't know." 1367 01:10:46,909 --> 01:10:49,958 So you just need to do whatever you need to do to get over it, okay? 1368 01:10:50,288 --> 01:10:52,837 Because it's never gonna happen. 1369 01:11:08,473 --> 01:11:11,852 WOMAN [OVER PA]: Welcome to Dublin and thank you for flying with us. 1370 01:11:29,494 --> 01:11:30,711 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1371 01:11:32,622 --> 01:11:33,965 Okay. 1372 01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:40,801 She's gone. 1373 01:11:42,590 --> 01:11:45,844 Is she coming back? 1374 01:11:50,515 --> 01:11:52,188 [WALLACE GRUNTING] 1375 01:11:53,726 --> 01:11:55,728 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 1376 01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:01,693 CHANTRY [ON RECORDING]: Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry. 1377 01:12:01,859 --> 01:12:02,906 I'm getting on a plane right now, 1378 01:12:03,069 --> 01:12:04,867 and I'm wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow 1379 01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:07,999 at, like, noon, at the George Street Diner? 1380 01:12:08,157 --> 01:12:10,501 Uh, there's something I want to talk to you about. 1381 01:12:12,578 --> 01:12:16,424 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 1382 01:12:16,582 --> 01:12:17,629 Taxi! 1383 01:12:19,961 --> 01:12:21,008 George Street Diner! 1384 01:12:22,213 --> 01:12:23,635 Shit! 1385 01:12:27,969 --> 01:12:29,516 Excuse me! 1386 01:12:37,061 --> 01:12:38,108 [EXHALES SHARPLY] 1387 01:12:39,647 --> 01:12:41,149 [DOOR OPENS] 1388 01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:45,903 CHANTRY: Hi. - Hey. 1389 01:12:47,238 --> 01:12:49,206 Oh, my God, what did you do to yourself? 1390 01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:51,709 Oh, um, ninja attack. 1391 01:12:51,868 --> 01:12:53,791 Oh! The stupid ninjas. 1392 01:12:53,953 --> 01:12:55,045 - I know. - I hate them. 1393 01:12:55,204 --> 01:12:58,003 Me too. Very annoying. 1394 01:13:00,167 --> 01:13:01,840 Oh, thank you. 1395 01:13:02,003 --> 01:13:03,846 I'm good. 1396 01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:07,592 - How you doing? Heh. - Hi. 1397 01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,810 So I went to Dublin, right? 1398 01:13:09,969 --> 01:13:12,313 - Right. Yes. - Yes. Listen... 1399 01:13:12,471 --> 01:13:14,071 There's a bunch of stuff going on with me 1400 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:16,772 that I haven't told you about because... 1401 01:13:16,934 --> 01:13:20,029 ...I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is. 1402 01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:21,780 Wallace, your face just looks terrible. 1403 01:13:21,939 --> 01:13:25,614 Oh, no, don't worry about it, really. Um, what were you gonna say? 1404 01:13:26,319 --> 01:13:29,698 Okay, so... Just that... 1405 01:13:30,865 --> 01:13:34,790 I've been having to do a lot of big-picture thinking about... 1406 01:13:35,453 --> 01:13:38,878 Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate because of your mangled head. 1407 01:13:39,040 --> 01:13:41,134 What did you do to yourself? 1408 01:13:41,292 --> 01:13:43,386 Did you hit yourself with something? 1409 01:13:43,544 --> 01:13:44,921 Car accident? 1410 01:13:45,087 --> 01:13:47,556 Did you walk into a door...? 1411 01:13:50,051 --> 01:13:51,268 Ben punched me. 1412 01:13:52,803 --> 01:13:54,976 I flew to Dublin. 1413 01:14:00,436 --> 01:14:01,733 Why did you fly to Dublin? 1414 01:14:02,563 --> 01:14:06,443 To tell you how I feel about you. 1415 01:14:07,652 --> 01:14:10,246 - That's not why. - Well, I wanted to be honest with you. 1416 01:14:10,404 --> 01:14:12,202 You could have been honest with me any time. 1417 01:14:12,615 --> 01:14:16,586 You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben. 1418 01:14:17,119 --> 01:14:18,712 Right? 1419 01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:20,585 Uh... 1420 01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:24,711 How long have you felt this way? 1421 01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:28,676 Pretty much since the clay we met. 1422 01:14:28,839 --> 01:14:31,092 So... 1423 01:14:31,258 --> 01:14:33,932 ...when I said "I have a boyfriend and I just want to be friends" 1424 01:14:34,095 --> 01:14:36,295 and you said that's what you wanted too, that was a lie? 1425 01:14:36,430 --> 01:14:38,683 - No. No. I wanted that to be true. - But it wasn't. 1426 01:14:38,849 --> 01:14:41,068 - You never wanted to be my friend. - We are friends. 1427 01:14:41,227 --> 01:14:46,028 I haven't just been trying to put my junk inside your trunk. 1428 01:14:47,108 --> 01:14:50,282 I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy, but you're totally that kind of guy. 1429 01:14:50,444 --> 01:14:53,244 God, he must think I'm such an idiot. You must think I'm such an idiot. 1430 01:14:53,406 --> 01:14:54,686 - Of course not. - I trusted you. 1431 01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:57,998 I trusted we were what we said we were: friends. 1432 01:14:58,160 --> 01:15:00,128 But you can't be friends if you're skulking around 1433 01:15:00,287 --> 01:15:01,967 waiting for some opportunity to screw them. 1434 01:15:02,123 --> 01:15:04,171 No! Look... What are you talking about? 1435 01:15:04,333 --> 01:15:06,711 I'm not... It's not like you've caught me 1436 01:15:06,877 --> 01:15:09,756 bathing in orphan blood or masturbating in your kitchen. 1437 01:15:09,922 --> 01:15:11,595 I just... 1438 01:15:11,757 --> 01:15:14,556 I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on. 1439 01:15:14,719 --> 01:15:15,766 It's not a crime. 1440 01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:19,603 And if it is, you're not exactly innocent. 1441 01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:21,604 What's that supposed to mean? 1442 01:15:21,976 --> 01:15:24,980 You crossed all the same lines I did, and I was single. You weren't. 1443 01:15:25,479 --> 01:15:27,698 I've never cheated on anybody. 1444 01:15:27,857 --> 01:15:30,280 And now you're making me feel like I somehow cheated on Ben? 1445 01:15:30,443 --> 01:15:31,535 Wait. Hold on. 1446 01:15:31,694 --> 01:15:33,492 I'm making you feel like that? 1447 01:15:33,654 --> 01:15:36,203 What, and you did nothing that I might possibly misconstrue? 1448 01:15:36,365 --> 01:15:39,289 That night on the beach? "I'll look if you look"? 1449 01:15:39,452 --> 01:15:40,920 I mean... 1450 01:15:41,078 --> 01:15:42,438 What, did you tell Ben about that? 1451 01:15:48,502 --> 01:15:50,004 That was a mistake. 1452 01:15:50,171 --> 01:15:52,390 This was a mistake. 1453 01:15:54,050 --> 01:15:55,097 - I'm leaving. - Please... 1454 01:15:55,259 --> 01:15:57,603 - No, Chantry, please... - No, I'm leaving the country. 1455 01:15:57,762 --> 01:15:59,002 - You're moving to Dublin? - No. 1456 01:15:59,305 --> 01:16:01,524 I've been offered a job in Taiwan. 1457 01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:03,025 I'm putting my career first. 1458 01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,027 So I'll be gone soon, 1459 01:16:05,186 --> 01:16:06,233 for a year. 1460 01:16:06,937 --> 01:16:08,814 Maybe more. 1461 01:16:09,398 --> 01:16:12,026 It's a really big promotion. 1462 01:16:14,528 --> 01:16:16,496 Congratulations. 1463 01:16:21,410 --> 01:16:22,457 See you around, Wallace. 1464 01:16:36,008 --> 01:16:38,431 - Uncle Wallace? - Not right now, Felix. 1465 01:16:38,594 --> 01:16:42,519 FELIX: Can I talk to you? - Felix, I said not right now! 1466 01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:45,025 I'm having a bad life. 1467 01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:48,521 What are you doing that's so important 1468 01:16:48,687 --> 01:16:50,689 that you don't have time for your nephew? 1469 01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:52,233 I'm not the kid's dad, all right? 1470 01:16:52,399 --> 01:16:54,697 - He's your responsibility, not mine. - Fine. 1471 01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:56,112 I'm a bad mom. 1472 01:16:56,278 --> 01:16:57,655 And when Felix grows up, 1473 01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:00,245 he can blame me for all his problems 1474 01:17:00,407 --> 01:17:01,847 and the circle of life can continue. 1475 01:17:01,992 --> 01:17:03,585 I'm doing the best I can. 1476 01:17:03,744 --> 01:17:06,418 Which is all any of us can do, except you. 1477 01:17:06,580 --> 01:17:08,548 You are not doing the best you can do! You... 1478 01:17:08,707 --> 01:17:09,799 [GASPS] 1479 01:17:09,959 --> 01:17:12,553 What's wrong? What's wrong? Are you choking? 1480 01:17:13,254 --> 01:17:15,097 Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you. 1481 01:17:15,464 --> 01:17:16,807 Unh. Okay. Again. 1482 01:17:16,966 --> 01:17:18,309 [ELLIE GASPS] 1483 01:17:18,467 --> 01:17:19,810 - Big one! - Unh! 1484 01:17:19,969 --> 01:17:21,016 WALLACE: Oh, God. 1485 01:17:21,178 --> 01:17:22,225 [ELLIE PANTING] 1486 01:17:28,060 --> 01:17:31,155 Ellie, you know you're not a bad morn, right? 1487 01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:35,193 It wasn't my plan that you should be my son's primary male role model. 1488 01:17:35,484 --> 01:17:37,578 But you are. 1489 01:17:38,362 --> 01:17:41,787 DALIA: Mm... Mine. 1490 01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:44,452 Gross. 1491 01:17:44,618 --> 01:17:46,791 This expired months ago. 1492 01:17:46,954 --> 01:17:49,173 Yeah, it's probably Ben's. 1493 01:17:49,832 --> 01:17:52,506 So that's it? You're just gonna throw it away? 1494 01:17:52,877 --> 01:17:54,845 Let me guess, we're not talking about salsa. 1495 01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:57,177 I just think you're making a huge mistake. 1496 01:17:57,339 --> 01:18:00,388 - You really think Taiwan's a mistake? - Yes, I do. 1497 01:18:00,551 --> 01:18:03,145 I think you're totally screwing up your life, actually. 1498 01:18:11,604 --> 01:18:13,231 [DALIA SIGHS] 1499 01:18:16,734 --> 01:18:18,452 Or not, maybe? 1500 01:18:18,611 --> 01:18:20,613 I just don't have any idea what I'm doing. 1501 01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,578 I'm gonna be all the way over there, and I'm not gonna have anybody. 1502 01:18:23,741 --> 01:18:26,836 I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna have all these responsibilities, 1503 01:18:26,994 --> 01:18:29,292 and then... And you're gonna be so far away. 1504 01:18:29,455 --> 01:18:30,707 And Ben and... 1505 01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:35,837 And there's, you know... 1506 01:18:38,047 --> 01:18:39,424 Wallace? 1507 01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:42,468 Yeah. 1508 01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,638 Yeah. Have you heard from him? 1509 01:18:45,804 --> 01:18:49,058 No, but I think I messed it up really bad. 1510 01:18:49,225 --> 01:18:51,648 I called him a liar. 1511 01:18:51,810 --> 01:18:53,403 And I think that I might be the liar. 1512 01:18:53,562 --> 01:18:55,360 - No. - Yes. 1513 01:18:55,522 --> 01:18:58,241 I mean, I think it might count as lying if you lie to yourself. 1514 01:18:58,400 --> 01:19:00,573 No. Come here. 1515 01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:05,328 WALLACE: Everything might have turned out for the best. 1516 01:19:05,491 --> 01:19:09,212 I'm, um... I'm going back to med school. 1517 01:19:09,370 --> 01:19:12,340 - I sent in my application today. - Oh. So you just gave up? 1518 01:19:12,498 --> 01:19:14,296 Mm? No. 1519 01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:16,301 I'm not giving up. I'm going... 1520 01:19:16,460 --> 01:19:18,963 I'm getting back to the life I was supposed to have by now. 1521 01:19:19,129 --> 01:19:21,803 When you're old and wrinkled and your penis doesn't work anymore... 1522 01:19:21,966 --> 01:19:23,309 Not that it's in great shape now. 1523 01:19:23,467 --> 01:19:27,973 But in that old, wrinkled, dickless future, will this seem like the right call? 1524 01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:31,559 Yes. I'll think dropping out of med school because of a girl was stupid. 1525 01:19:31,725 --> 01:19:34,774 Not chasing after a girl who doesn't want me was definitely smart. 1526 01:19:34,937 --> 01:19:35,984 I'm a doctor now. 1527 01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:40,117 I've saved probably millions of lives, because I'm brilliant. 1528 01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:42,199 I cured the zombie epidemic. You remember that? 1529 01:19:42,361 --> 01:19:44,363 I found the cure, so you can all be grateful, 1530 01:19:44,530 --> 01:19:46,703 shut up and stop questioning my decisions. 1531 01:19:46,865 --> 01:19:49,664 ALLAN: Eh-eh. Eh... WALLACE: What? 1532 01:19:49,827 --> 01:19:52,671 Well, it was supposed to be a secret, 1533 01:19:52,830 --> 01:19:58,508 but loose lips over here knocked me up. 1534 01:19:58,669 --> 01:19:59,966 - Oh, shit! ALLAN: Ha-ha. 1535 01:20:00,129 --> 01:20:01,631 You got a baby in you! 1536 01:20:01,797 --> 01:20:03,677 NICOLE: Yeah, I know. I know. - Congratulations! 1537 01:20:03,841 --> 01:20:06,219 Oh, that means the Apocalypse has really started. 1538 01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:08,729 - That's great! NICOLE: Yay! 1539 01:20:08,887 --> 01:20:11,936 And you're the first person we told, so you can't be mad at us anymore. 1540 01:20:13,225 --> 01:20:16,274 You have to forgive pregnant people for anything they've ever done to you. 1541 01:20:16,437 --> 01:20:18,314 - It's like a federal law. - Deal. 1542 01:20:18,480 --> 01:20:20,528 Wow. I can't wait to meet this kid. 1543 01:20:20,691 --> 01:20:22,989 NICOLE: Yeah. And... 1544 01:20:23,152 --> 01:20:25,996 ...we're having a going-away party for Chantry, 1545 01:20:26,155 --> 01:20:28,408 and you should come to it to say goodbye. 1546 01:20:30,909 --> 01:20:32,206 No. 1547 01:20:32,369 --> 01:20:35,088 No, we already said our goodbyes. 1548 01:20:42,921 --> 01:20:44,719 [CHATTERING] 1549 01:21:01,982 --> 01:21:04,405 - Wallace? - No. 1550 01:21:09,990 --> 01:21:11,458 - It's nice. - So slutty. 1551 01:21:11,617 --> 01:21:13,244 - No, it's not. - Yeah, it is. 1552 01:21:40,521 --> 01:21:43,946 No, I think mine are normal and yours are tiny. 1553 01:21:48,112 --> 01:21:49,580 [ALL LAUGH] 1554 01:21:53,867 --> 01:21:55,267 GRETCHEN: I don't want you to leave. 1555 01:21:55,411 --> 01:21:57,505 - No. - Me neither. 1556 01:22:00,332 --> 01:22:01,675 I'm sorry I'm late. 1557 01:22:03,961 --> 01:22:05,679 CHANTRY: Bye. Skype me. 1558 01:22:05,838 --> 01:22:07,511 Be careful. Take care of yourselves. 1559 01:22:07,673 --> 01:22:09,846 - I'm never gonna Skype. - Call me tomorrow. 1560 01:22:10,008 --> 01:22:11,681 DALIA: Bye. 1561 01:22:15,472 --> 01:22:17,474 CHANTRY: Hey. - Hey. 1562 01:22:22,354 --> 01:22:24,402 - How are you? - I'm great. How are you? 1563 01:22:24,565 --> 01:22:26,784 WALLACE: Good. - Good. 1564 01:22:27,192 --> 01:22:30,992 Um, so your new job is going to be amazing. 1565 01:22:31,155 --> 01:22:32,998 Um, and you get to live in Asia. 1566 01:22:33,157 --> 01:22:35,159 - Yeah. - I hear Taiwan is incredible. 1567 01:22:35,325 --> 01:22:37,544 Yeah, and you're gonna go back to med school. 1568 01:22:37,703 --> 01:22:38,750 Yeah. Yes. 1569 01:22:38,912 --> 01:22:41,040 That is so great. 1570 01:22:42,332 --> 01:22:44,050 You think so? 1571 01:22:44,918 --> 01:22:46,920 No. Actually, I've always hated doctors, 1572 01:22:47,087 --> 01:22:49,556 so I pretty much think you've become the Antichrist. 1573 01:22:49,715 --> 01:22:51,558 Right. And Taiwan is shit. 1574 01:22:51,717 --> 01:22:53,845 That was... Everything I said a second ago was a lie. 1575 01:22:54,011 --> 01:22:55,729 And you're gonna have an awful time because 1576 01:22:55,888 --> 01:22:59,108 - Chantry means "syphilitic woman." - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. 1577 01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:00,666 Well, at least it will be accurate. 1578 01:23:00,809 --> 01:23:02,982 - Yeah, right. Exactly. - Yeah... 1579 01:23:03,145 --> 01:23:05,694 So how long until you see, um, people just as, like, 1580 01:23:05,856 --> 01:23:08,075 slabs of meat that you can cut up and sew back together, 1581 01:23:08,233 --> 01:23:10,736 and not, like, actual people with, like, real feelings? 1582 01:23:10,903 --> 01:23:12,423 Oh, God, hopefully as soon as possible. 1583 01:23:12,571 --> 01:23:14,118 I mean, I've been practicing at night 1584 01:23:14,281 --> 01:23:16,909 on tiny, defenseless animals and homeless people. 1585 01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:19,475 Oh, good. That's actually what homeless people are there for. 1586 01:23:19,620 --> 01:23:20,963 - Yes, I know. - Yeah. 1587 01:23:21,121 --> 01:23:23,840 - They're all just bodies in waiting. - Especially for a sociopath. 1588 01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:26,199 Especially for... Yeah, that... But that's been my goal, 1589 01:23:26,335 --> 01:23:28,337 as you know: just to feel nothing. 1590 01:23:28,504 --> 01:23:32,304 Yeah, it wouldn't be such a bad idea sometimes. 1591 01:23:33,258 --> 01:23:34,510 - So Dublin... - It's okay. 1592 01:23:34,676 --> 01:23:36,394 No, it's not. I'm really sorry. 1593 01:23:36,553 --> 01:23:40,433 It was stupid, and I know Ben is a good guy and he didn't deserve that. 1594 01:23:41,225 --> 01:23:43,774 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1595 01:23:43,977 --> 01:23:45,229 So are you two okay? 1596 01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:49,445 I'm not sure. 1597 01:23:50,609 --> 01:23:52,828 About anything. 1598 01:23:57,783 --> 01:24:00,707 So I got really creative when I was cleaning out my fridge. 1599 01:24:00,869 --> 01:24:02,792 - Did you? - And, um... 1600 01:24:02,955 --> 01:24:04,753 I, uh... 1601 01:24:06,250 --> 01:24:08,252 I made you that. 1602 01:24:15,884 --> 01:24:18,933 It's, um... It's Fool's Gold. 1603 01:24:19,096 --> 01:24:24,193 I even coated the loaf in butter as you are supposed to. 1604 01:24:24,351 --> 01:24:26,695 That's the real thing. 1605 01:24:28,230 --> 01:24:29,607 I can't believe you did this. 1606 01:24:32,401 --> 01:24:35,075 This is your going-away present. 1607 01:24:35,612 --> 01:24:37,614 [PAPER TEARING] 1608 01:25:02,055 --> 01:25:04,274 I don't know what to say. 1609 01:25:07,769 --> 01:25:11,649 So I've thought a lot about something you said. 1610 01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:15,365 About how, when you realize how quickly 1611 01:25:15,527 --> 01:25:17,450 everything can fall apart, 1612 01:25:17,613 --> 01:25:21,743 it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. 1613 01:25:22,784 --> 01:25:25,628 Whatever this is between us, 1614 01:25:27,039 --> 01:25:29,292 it is good. 1615 01:25:29,458 --> 01:25:30,505 It is so good. 1616 01:25:30,667 --> 01:25:35,047 It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, 1617 01:25:35,213 --> 01:25:38,012 and I don't want it to be over. 1618 01:25:42,471 --> 01:25:45,224 I don't want it to be over, either. 1619 01:25:52,564 --> 01:25:55,283 I kind of wish, you know, like, 1620 01:25:56,610 --> 01:26:00,285 we could invent a time machine or something. 1621 01:26:01,573 --> 01:26:03,667 - If we ever invent time travel... - Yeah? 1622 01:26:03,825 --> 01:26:06,749 ...I would go back to the night we met. 1623 01:26:07,371 --> 01:26:09,840 - You would? - Yes. 1624 01:26:15,045 --> 01:26:17,764 What would you do differently? 1625 01:26:18,590 --> 01:26:20,263 Nothing. 1626 01:26:23,387 --> 01:26:25,185 Me too. 1627 01:27:00,632 --> 01:27:02,885 [PLANE ENGINE ROARING] 1628 01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,784 Hey, Walter. 1629 01:27:24,781 --> 01:27:26,374 - Wallace. - Oh, sorry. 1630 01:27:26,533 --> 01:27:28,410 It's just so weird seeing you here. 1631 01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:29,624 Yeah, really weird. 1632 01:27:29,786 --> 01:27:31,546 - Where have you just come in from? - Taiwan. 1633 01:27:31,705 --> 01:27:33,207 You've been in Taiwan this whole time? 1634 01:27:33,373 --> 01:27:38,129 Yeah, I was, and then I was doing some traveling with my, um, fiancé. 1635 01:27:38,587 --> 01:27:39,679 You got engaged? 1636 01:27:39,838 --> 01:27:40,885 Uh, yeah. 1637 01:27:41,047 --> 01:27:42,845 - Wow. Yeah, no, me too. - Oh! 1638 01:27:43,008 --> 01:27:45,511 I don't know why I did that. I have nothing on this hand. 1639 01:27:45,677 --> 01:27:47,600 So who is the incredibly lucky guy? 1640 01:27:47,763 --> 01:27:50,812 He's just this dude who stalked me all the way to Taiwan. 1641 01:27:50,974 --> 01:27:53,443 That's a coincidence. I followed my fiancee to Taiwan as well, 1642 01:27:53,602 --> 01:27:56,151 but I made out with her sister first. I'm a bad-arse. 1643 01:27:56,313 --> 01:27:57,530 Come here. 1644 01:27:57,689 --> 01:27:59,066 [HORN HONKS] 1645 01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:02,948 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! CHANTRY: Aah! 1646 01:28:03,403 --> 01:28:06,703 DALIA: I'm so happy you're home! 1647 01:28:10,494 --> 01:28:11,586 [CRYING] 1648 01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:12,917 She loved it. 1649 01:28:28,470 --> 01:28:29,813 WALLACE: Mm. 1650 01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,435 Three! 1651 01:28:31,598 --> 01:28:33,566 [ALL SCREAMING] 1652 01:28:33,725 --> 01:28:35,898 Oh, please, he's not even a real doctor. 1653 01:28:36,061 --> 01:28:37,741 He's a real doctor. He finished his degree. 1654 01:28:37,896 --> 01:28:40,866 - Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian. ALLAN: It's legitimate medical training. 1655 01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:42,947 - Wine, please. NICOLE: Here, ask him. 1656 01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:45,908 After you have a baby, if you eat the placenta, 1657 01:28:46,071 --> 01:28:47,414 does it count as cannibalism? 1658 01:28:47,572 --> 01:28:49,372 You know that's not a medical question, right? 1659 01:28:49,449 --> 01:28:52,373 If a baby's hand is bigger than its face, will it have cancer? 1660 01:28:52,536 --> 01:28:54,789 No, it just means your baby has massive hands. 1661 01:28:54,955 --> 01:28:56,127 [BABY FARTING] 1662 01:28:56,289 --> 01:28:59,543 - Oh. What's going on here? Hoo-hoo. - Oh, Jesus. 1663 01:28:59,960 --> 01:29:04,887 Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write us a prescription or not? Oh, God. 1664 01:29:05,048 --> 01:29:06,345 There goes my husband. 1665 01:29:06,508 --> 01:29:08,306 I can't believe you have a husband. 1666 01:29:08,468 --> 01:29:11,017 - It's crazy. - You're weirding me out. 1667 01:29:11,972 --> 01:29:13,690 WALLACE: Hey. Oh. CHANTRY: So... 1668 01:29:13,849 --> 01:29:15,249 WALLACE: Careful. Give me your hand. 1669 01:29:15,392 --> 01:29:20,740 - You're up here alone, like a total loser. - Yeah, but who's the bigger loser? 1670 01:29:20,897 --> 01:29:23,275 Me for escaping up here, or you for agreeing to marry me? 1671 01:29:23,441 --> 01:29:25,409 - No, that's me. - Heh-heh. 1672 01:29:27,070 --> 01:29:30,745 If I fell, do you think I'd die, or just become massively paralyzed? 1673 01:29:30,907 --> 01:29:32,033 Probably just paralyzed. 1674 01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:35,579 CHANTRY: You'd be so screwed. You'd have to stay married to me. 1675 01:29:35,745 --> 01:29:37,292 If you didn't, people would be like, 1676 01:29:37,455 --> 01:29:41,585 "He divorced his wife after she became paralyzed from the waist down." 1677 01:29:41,751 --> 01:29:43,173 - From the waist down? - Yeah. 1678 01:29:43,336 --> 01:29:45,576 So everything would still work down there, though, right? 1679 01:29:45,714 --> 01:29:48,137 Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able to feel anything, but... 1680 01:29:48,300 --> 01:29:50,394 I really don't even need you to feel anything now. 1681 01:29:50,552 --> 01:29:51,912 I don't want the sex to be too good 1682 01:29:52,012 --> 01:29:53,059 - right away. - Mm-hm. 1683 01:29:53,221 --> 01:29:55,599 I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am 1684 01:29:55,765 --> 01:29:57,688 so that it can just keep getting better forever. 1685 01:29:57,851 --> 01:30:00,570 But, like, very slowly, over many, many decades 1686 01:30:00,729 --> 01:30:02,481 so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s. 1687 01:30:02,647 --> 01:30:04,524 Yeah. That's the plan, actually, 1688 01:30:04,691 --> 01:30:10,789 is if the last time we have sex is also the best and that it actually kills you. 1689 01:30:10,947 --> 01:30:12,745 That wouldn't be such a bad way to go. 1690 01:30:14,492 --> 01:30:17,962 - We should head back soon, right? - Yes. 1691 01:30:19,205 --> 01:30:22,209 Or we could stay here for another minute. 1692 01:30:23,793 --> 01:30:26,216 Or maybe like forever.